New 2016 predictions will probably scare the sh*t out of you

A bunch of dudes are still hammering it out for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination, but that doesn’t mean that “experts” who are paid to “speculate” aren’t thinking ahead to 2014 and 2016, when we once again have a wide-open field, full of the promise of even more white dudes clamoring for your vote for President. Because, of course, the one thing you want to think of in the midst of this tantalizingly exciting campaign cycle is…we get to do this again in just less than four years.

Good news for everyone, of course, is that, barring some extenuating circumstances such as the declaration that the United States is a benevolent dictatorship, Barack Obama will be incapable of running for a third term. Which means, he can retire to the shores of Oahu where he will be free to romp shirtless in the waves and ride bikes in Mom jeans and play round after spectacular round of golf without having all that, you know, icky work to deal with.

Bad news is, Michelle Obama is on the short list of possibilities to challenge Sen. Mark Kirk in Illinois. You knew this couldn’t be good news. I mean, come on.

In November 2016, Illinois voters will go to the polls to decide who they want to occupy the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Republican Sen. Mark Kirk. And although it is a long way off, could one of the names on the ticket be first lady Michelle Obama?

At the end of this weekend’s broadcast of “The McLaughlin Group,” show host John McLaughlin made that bold prediction, saying a Michelle Obama run for the seat her husband won in 2004 would happen.

“Michelle Obama will run for the United States Senate in 2016 and she will be thereby mimicking, if that’s not the right word [then] duplicating the career of Hillary Clinton,” McLaughlin said.

Okay, okay, so the cited “expert” is the McLaughlin group, which no one under the age of 80 watches sober (or, for that matter, wasted, given its distinct lack of color), but admit you just peed yourself a little just thinking that, in four short years, you could be watching campaign commercials where Michelle Obama pleads for your vote. Or, rather, I could, given that I live in Illino
This is one of those truly terrifying moments where, though you trust that the natural human order and, barring that, the laws of universe itself would never allow it – not even in the worst, most extenuating of circumstances – you know in your heart that there’s a possibility – a probability – that, like florescent leggings, triangle bangs and Rick Santorum, this could come to pass. It could happen. And until you are fully assured that it will not, the mere thought of it will haunt your darkest nightmares. Michelle Obama could be a Senator. She could be President.
Pray, America. Pray that the zombie apocalypse comes early. Because the future could be too difficult to bear.

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