Romney does own laundry, drops ten points in Florida

I sort of wish this primary thing was over so that I could get back to my real job, which is clearly making fun of Barack Obama. All this infighting is definitely harshing my mellow. I think that’s what that means, anyway. My hippie relatives always said sh*t like that, but probably because anything remotely resembling reality really messed up the consistency of their drug use.

Anyway, we’re on to Florida now, and in an effort to prove that he’s just as human as Newt Gingrich, and just as capable of taking back this nomination process by telling John King to suck it (which, lets face it, probably won this thing for the Newt, anyway), Mitt Romney awkwardly did his own laundry yesterday.


Perhaps this is the beginning of the great comeback story. Man is hit by implications that he profited off Wall Street, man awkwardly loses South Carolina after admitting it is where America picks its President, man somehow makes up the ten points he lost in the polls yesterday, man goes on to glorious victory for robot kind, ushering in new golden age of android rule, for Americans, from Americans, fueled by Americans.

And with this Tide Stain Release formula, he shall magically scrub away your expectations over his tax returns which he will conveniently release only a few hours before the media becomes obsessed with the State of the Union address tomorrow, when all of us in the “media” have already begun our pre-SOTU “preparations” by which we mean “drinking heavily.”

Via POLITICO’s Manu Raju, Mitt Romney told Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday” this morning that he’ll release his tax returns on Tuesday.

“Given all the attention that’s been focused on tax returns, given the distraction I think they became in these last couple of weeks, look, I’m going to make it very clear to you right now Chris, I’m going to release my tax returns for 2010, which is the last returns that were completed,” he said. “I’ll do them on Tuesday of this week. I’m also at the same time going to release an estimate for 2011 tax returns. So you’ll have two years, people can take a good look at it.”

Fine, whatever. Obviously, you were supposed to hand this to him, American, so now he’s all pissed because you are making this so f***ing haaaaaaaaard. What is your problem? Just leave him alone, okay? Why won’t you just let him have this and stop bitching about whatever job he had when he realized that, in order to someday run for public office, it needed to look like he was capable of gainful employment. GAWD.

Am I just being really cynical? Is it too insane of me to believe that the GOP is just going to lose this already, anyway, even with Mr. Roboto, so it should just nominate Newt Gingrich so at least Obama has to contend with a total bitch in the debates, even if he skates to an easy win on the shoulders of Oprah Winfrey? Is it wrong to fantasize about Newt Gingrich making him so angry he breaks a teleprompter over his knee and weeps bitter tears that then have to be wiped by MSNBC anchors while union bosses make him warm milk and hand him his fancy unicorn Pillow Pet?

Sure, we might end up living in a fancier North Korea, but I’m starting to think it’d be worth it.

  1. James
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