Fun facts about the Obama budget

Obviously, there’s no more fun fact about budget negotiations than that, in over 1,000 days, we haven’t had any. But like a Lindsay Lohan court appearance on an outstanding warrant, the Obama Administration still sees fit to release one like clockwork every year around this time. Its never surprising, and even less comforting, and given the current state of budgetary affairs in Congress, totally unlikely to pass or ever become reality, but its nice to see what people are planning to do behind closed doors with the money they pry from your cold, homeless hands.

So here’s a few fun facts about the Obama budget that you need to know in order to fully understand your fate. Think of it as being like a little warning you get before they put your name into a lottery that decides which of the starving townspeople is fed as a ritualistic sacrifice to the zombies. You get to have a last meal, a nice bath, a new dress, but the end result is always the same. But y’re prepared for it.

  • The budget which proposes federal spending of $3.8 trillion, left to its own devices, will increase the national debt to $25 trillion by the year 2021. In an ongoing campaign to confuse the sh*t out of Americans, the Obama administration continues to use the words “debt” and “deficit” interchangeably. They’re cutting the deficit but ultimately raising the debt. Sensible? No. But forget it, Jake. Its Chinatown.
  • Although the President promised jobs, the only jobs the budget directly addresses are those that pay union dues, like teachers and public sector employees. So while your DMV counter attendants and sh*tty 90-year-old teachers are totally safe for the rest of their lives, you’ll have to wait until the private sector finally surrenders or trading in canned food as currency becomes a viable career.
  •  Amtrak and “faster Amtrak” – government run “high speed rail” – will get $476 billion. So, the good news is you can get terrible travel conditions with no wireless internet and only microwave food faster than ever before. Which might cut down the time it takes Amtrak to get from city to city down to the time it took the first pioneers to do it in covered wagons.
  • The budget seeks more funding for the Dodd-Frank Act which has thus far totally failed to control or regulate anything, but before you let anything die a real death, you should always pay its corpse to twitch for twenty years. Michael Dukakis’ dignity is history’s best example.
  • It cuts funding to the military, which isn’t really that controversial, except that it hands an additional $800 million in aid to the “Arab Spring” which has succeeded, mostly, in destabilizing much of the Middle East and handing nations whose populations desired democracy straight into the hands of the culturally backwards and generally insane Islamic Fundamentalists. Obama would like them to use this to fund infrastructure. They’d like this money to cover the pyramids in wax. So there’s that.
  • The budget proposes a number of tax increases, including the “Buffett Rule,” but fails to control spending, which makes the revenue increases almost totally pointless. It does, however, leave the possibility open that the nation could win at Powerball, or recoup their economic failings with good, old-fashioned inflation.
  • The spending cuts are actually deficit cuts, which means they merely decrease the amount by which entitlement spending increases every year. So they’re bullsh*t. The good news is that even the Obama Administration fully recognizes that the 2012 and 2013 deficit projections are horrible, which is comforting considering that they’re creating them.
  • The “spending cuts” also include “savings” from winding down the wars in the Middle East. Except we borrowed to pay for those wars, so basically we’re not actually saving anything just borrowing more. This is how hoarders happen.
  • But that’s not entirely surprising because whoever drafted this budget clearly took economics in a public school.

The bad news is that the plan is like duct taping a cat to Ford Fiesta and calling it an alternative energy vehicle. Totally unworkable. Doomed to fail. A bleak scenario that can only result in sheer devastation and bodily injury and possibly the economic decline of a nation (though duct taping a cat probably wouldn’t go that far).

And if you’re business is business, you’re totally f***ed.

The good news is that, before any budget is adopted, it has to go through 40 Congressional committees, 24 subcommittees and the entrails of a rare white tiger, so you’ve got some time. Time enough to buy plenty of ammo, an arsenal of weaponry and engage in lots of target practice.

Comments
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