You will never see John Edwards’ sex tape.

I know you’re disappointed. I am. But like John Edwards political career, his sex tape with mistress Rielle Hunter is doomed to wallow in obscurity. The court has ordered the only copy(s) destroyed along with other personal items Rielle Hunter left hanging around aide Andrew Young’s house after she moved out following the birth of her and John Edwards’ love child.

The purported sex tape of former presidential candidate John Edwards and his mistress will be destroyed within 30 days after a lawsuit over who owned the tape was settled Thursday.

Rielle Hunter sued former Edwards aide Andrew Young and his wife in 2010 over the tape and other personal items the couple said she left in a box of trash while they were helping her hideout as the former North Carolina senator ran for the White House. Hunter lived with the Youngs while she was pregnant with Edwards’ baby, and Young initially said he was the father.

In the settlement, the Youngs agreed to give up their claim on the tape and other property, which has been held in the vault of a North Carolina courthouse. Hunter has long wanted the tapes destroyed.

America, have we learned nothing from the success of Kim Kardashian? For starters, this tape is not gone for good. Anyone with any knowledge of the Internet understands that self-created tapes of quasi-famous people having sex are only “destroyed” until someone either needs to make a quick $10 to keep their prescription drug habit under control and out of the media or someone else finds it, sells it to Vivid and its uploaded to YouTube for the world to see. In this case, I can foresee this tape falling into the hands of an arch-enemy, say North Korea, and Gmailed to every American in an effort to trigger widespread self-blinding.

Plus, lets be honest here. No one in this century leaves a sex tape in someone’s guest room assuming its going to be kept private. If you don’t keep track of those things, no one’s going to keep track of them for you, and if you’re dumb enough to leave pornography among your personal effects in a house that isn’t yours after having a falling out with your landlords, you’re an idiot. In the words of Rod Blagojevich, you’ve got a thing and it’s f***ing golden.

Honestly, we’re all better off for this decision. But don’t expect our well being to last.

You will never see John Edwards’ sex tape.

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