Malia Obama (and your tax dollars) are headed to Mexico for Spring Break

** Parts of the Telegraph snippet have been redacted/reworded to eliminate references to exact locations. While the story itself is notable, the locations and places are not, and can serve to put national interests in danger. While we object to the use of taxpayer dollars, at this time, in this manner, the safety of Malia Obama is incredibly important. **

Spring Break is a right of passage for any teenage girl, though most of them usually wait until they’ve been able to practice binge drinking for several years before attempting to do it in a foreign country where the possibility of being kidnapped by drug dealers is high. Obviously most parents either aren’t fully aware of the consequences of allowing their daughters to bring a suitcase full of string bikinis and enough funnels for a fraternity beer bong festival, or they understand they’re powerless to stop it, which is why, even in the era of cell phone cameras, this tradition has continued.

Luckily for 13-year-old Malia Obama, her father is the President and able to call into duty 25 Secret Service agents, a good deal of the Mexican police forces and probably an unidentified number of government “contractors” to protect her as she bops around Mexico on her school break.

The US President’s 13-year-old daughter Malia is staying at a downtown hotel in the city famous for its colonial architecture and well-preserved native American traditions, an official said.

“We are here to block access to the hotel by other people and escort the vehicles that are carrying the visitors to tourism sites,” the police official told AFP under the condition of anonymity.

Malia Obama and her friend are guarded by the Secret Service agents as well as Mexican police, the official noted.

Back in the day, when I first started politics, Presidential daughters were patriotic. They fell drunk out of bars in America. None of this going abroad to escape their families and force government employees to work overtime at all-inclusive resorts. Now its all “world history” and “touring” and sh*t. Now, its nice that we’ve provided these girls with the kinds of travel opportunities most kids who attend public schools only dream of, but can we get back to spending our tax dollars on things we all can appreciate, like pennies with giant faces on them and public art?

Or, you know, keep more of my own money so that I can take a trip to a foreign country where I can drink outside with breakfast and its not awkward for my neighbors.

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