Who killed that debt ceiling deal? Republicans! Oh, wait. Oh. Wait. Sorry.

Those goddam Republicans. Always f***ing everything up. First, they won’t accept that “bipartisanship” means that they should casually adopt nearly every suggestion the Administration makes regardless of its relevancy and conformity to their ideals. Then, they block every f***ing piece of legislation in the House, making them singlehandedly responsible for the failures of an entire Congress and Executive Branch. And now they’ve gone and killed the debt ceiling deal that was going to save America.

You know, the one that Barack Obama personally had a unicorn crap out into his hands during the Summer of 2011. The one that was so sophisticated, so incredibly amazing that John Boehner’s masculinity was totally threatened by it, causing him to walk away from the deal like it had just announced it was pregnant by Snooki.

The one that Barack Obama called off because Congress was just being so mean.



What happened? Obama and his advisers have cast the collapse of the talks as a Republican failure. Boehner, unable to deliver, stepped away from the deal, simple as that.

But interviews with most of the central players in those talks — some of whom were granted anonymity to speak about the secret negotiations — as well as a review of meeting notes, e-mails and the negotiating proposals that changed hands, offer a more complicated picture of the collapse. Obama, nervous about how to defend the emerging agreement to his own Democratic base, upped the ante in a way that made it more difficult for Boehner — already facing long odds — to sell it to his party. Eventually, the president tried to put the original framework back in play, but by then it was too late. The moment of making history had passed.

Well, that sucks. As it turns out, had “bipartisan” meant “working together,” he’d have had his historic debt ceiling deal and, possibly, a fleet of tiny leprechauns which he would be able to use for canvassing. But instead, he acted like an a**hole, which inevitably cost him and everyone else. The good news for America is, obviously, that, according to the Washington Post, this newfound partisan attitude, though demonstrably problematic when attempting to, you know, accomplish things, went on to become the centerpiece of his re-election campaign. Because, when you fail to keep your campaign promises of (1) getting things done and (2) getting entitlement spending under control, specifically, there’s pretty much nothing left but Clinton-y scorched-Earth style tactics.

But now that he’s struggling with voters, its totally Fox News fault. Because, obviously.

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