Obama targets youth market with vampires, disaster ad about steel mill.

Back in 2008, Obama was super hot and whatever. Part of this appeal had to do with a somewhat cynical marketing technique that targeted young people who were still under the hilariously naive impression that people go into politics because they want to change the world or love America or have more common sense than a small kitchen appliance.

They, like the rest of the country, were sorely disappointed to learn that is actually untrue. Instead of being the shining beacons of hope and change and rainbows and unicorns, people who run for office mostly act like lunatics with access to your bank account and a day pass to the zoo. But, needless to say, Obama’s at it again with the “young people,” trying to relate to them and their “rock and roll” and their funny haircuts and their baggy pants and their stepping all over his lawn and sh*t.

Only this time, instead of using fancy newfangled Internet type things to “organize” and “encourage” them, he’s gonna win their love with noted musical sensation of 1996, Ricky Martin. And vampires!

Because Team Obama! Right? RIGHT?

Mitt Romney, a job-killing economic “vampire”? That’s the message of a new ad by President Barack Obama’s reelection campaign, which aims to turn the presumptive Republican nominee’s business record into a liability as voters worry about the struggling economy.

A two-minute version of the new video will run in Iowa, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Colorado and Virginia. A six-minute version is available on a new Obama campaign site that is specifically devoted to criticizing Romney’s approach to economic issues. Romney spokeswoman Andrea Saul said the former Massachusetts governor welcomed Team Obama’s “attempt to pivot back to jobs and a discussion of their failed record.”

There are a few problems with this approach. One, kids these days love themselves some vampires. Back in my day, when Goosebumps was scaring everyone out of their Backstreet Boys pajama pants, vampires were kind of creepy and weird and sh*t. But now, vampires are all friendly, and sparkly and they love nondescript brunette heroines who don’t fit in with the cool kids and they make horrible half-vampire babies who save the world. And they’re super hot and live in Louisiana and have sex with human waitresses and stuff. So this is like saying Mitt Romney is all awesome and whatever.

Actually, his is a really confusing ad. Because not only does it totally miss the point of vampire love, but, as it turns out, Mitt Romney didn’t actually cause GST Steel, the company mentioned in the ad as being run out of business, to fold, and likely, neither did his company, Bain Capital. GST Steel went out of business eight years after Bain did its restructuring, and two years after Mitt had left Bain Capital to run the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake. And a good number of GST’s financial reports indicate that it was it’s unionization – and the excesses that subsequently ensued (like line workers making $150K for literally sleeping on the job) – that was, in no small part, responsible for making the company financially insolvent. Even Obama’s former Car Czar thought the ad was, in short, unfair.

That should be interesting enough, but it seems that, while Mitt Romney wasn’t working at Bain and therefore present and responsible for Bain’s obviously bloodthirsty destruction of a poor middle-American steel mill, one of Obama’s primary bundlers, Jonathan Lavine, was. As a managing director.

Those goddam asshole capitalists who give over $100,000 to Obama’s re-election campaign.

Next time, try zombies…mmmmkay? Might be easier to work with.

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