Worst. Protest. Ever.

• Tweet
• Email

• Tweet
• Email

Goddam m*****f*****g corporate cell phone overlords!

Look, I’m not going to bother with the hyperbole and the freaking out over OMFG OCCUPY TERRORISTS and whatever, because, and I’m being really honest here, whatever you call what happened in Chicago this weekend in response to the NATO summit of world leaders, just don’t call it a “protest.” Because that was not a f***ing protest. That was a group temper tantrum with a sunburn. Next time we hold this, guys, either get a point or get the hell off my city’s goddam lawn because that was just embarrassing. My mother’s 1960s anti-war protests would have kicked that protest’s ass. Animals in heat make more sense than that protest.

So yeah, it was less than stellar.

You can get the blow-by-blow from my Twitter, but I’ll re-hash a few key points.

• Five dudes got arrested for being terrible anarchists. Apparently, they were just “making home-brewed beer” but no one makes home-brewed beer with knives featuring brass knuckles as handles. The good news is, at least one of the arrested has a defense:”I think on a good day if he could rub two brain cells together and one of them wasn’t drunk, that would probably be an accomplishment.”
• The early morning rally featured everything you’ve come to expect from the collection of neo-hippie causeheads who descend on these events like maggots on a fresh carcass: sixties leftovers (whoever said Tea Parties were geriatric has clearly never been to a Code Pink event), Communists selling newspapers without irony, dudes with Pikachu backpacks, anarchists who have missed the entire point of anarchy and, as such, are protesting for more government, terrible renditions of “Ohio” and “This Land Is Your Land,” people who hate Israel, and Jesse Jackson.
• In a moment that shall live in infamy as emblematic of the protest that way, Jesse Jackson got interviewed by a clown.
• People marched.
• People forgot that the first rule of protesting is “don’t throw sh*t at cops.” They have riot gear. You have a Bob Marley tee shirt and a dream. Also, hitting cops with sticks is a bad idea. Especially when most local networks are broadcasting the incidents live.
• Not enough people got beat down by Chicago cops, who were shockingly (to the National Lawyers Guild, anyway) well-versed in riot behavior, so a few people went into an alleyway and smeared themselves with red paint.
• Burger King is the great equalizer in the alleged totalitarian police state of Chicago.

All in all, it served as an important reminder that THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE: a lot of people in Urban Outfitters clothing dancing around aimlessly for hours in the hot sun. Which is probably a metaphor, but I’m too tired to make it.