Hustler writer has secret fantasy about women he can’t have, tries to illustrate it

(Note: I’m warning you right off the bat. I’m not censoring either myself or my four letter words here. You have been warned. I assume you’ll continue anyway)

I seriously thought Hustler  went out of print, like, three decades ago.

The only issues I’ve ever seen, and I speak as a subscriber to Playboy, so its not like I haven’t seen porn in print before, look like they were published on the tail end of the 1970s, where everything was polyester and plastic and avocado green and all of the images (and the models) look like they were left out in the sun too long. It’s weird. Like you wouldn’t find it in some hip guys apartment. Like you’d find it in some aging creeper’s bathroom behind Sears catalogs in a Formica magazine holder.

At any rate, they proved just how creepy they still are (yep, still publishing) this month when they decided to print a giant photo of conservative commentator S. E. Cupp with a photoshopped d*ck in her mouth because, obviously the only thing standing in between conservative and libertarian women and the reason that shines so brightly in the lives of of Hustler editors is a good couple of rounds with a penis.

The Blaze has been alerted to a fake explicit image apparently published in Hustler magazine depicting GBTV host and conservative commentator S.E. Cupp engaged in a sex act with what appears to be a penis in her mouth.

Under the headline “Celebrity Fantasy,” the text beside the picture asks, “What would S.E. Cupp look like with a [d**k] in her mouth?” [It continues] “S.E. Cupp is a lovely young lady who read too much Ayn Rand in high school and ended up joining the dark side. Cupp, an author and media commentator who often shows up on Fox News programs, is undeniably cute. But her hotness is diminished when she espouses dumb ideas like defunding Planned Parenthood. Perhaps the method pictured here is Ms. Cupp’s suggestion for avoiding an unwanted pregnancy.”…

Speaking with Glenn Beck during his radio program Wednesday, Cupp said she’s seen a lot of misogyny against conservative women like Sarah Palin and Michelle Malkin, but she’s never seen anything “this disturbing and graphic.”

“You have to wonder if they had done this to someone like Nancy Pelosi or Michelle Obama, would that stand, would no one make a stink about it? I have to think they would,” Cupp demanded.

Well, no. No one would make a photo like this of Nancy Pelosi or Michelle Obama in the first place. The problem with S.E. Cupp is, obviously, she’s sexually attractive and has an opinion that differs from what I can only assume are the self-righteously liberal author’s. And if there’s anything we can agree on, its that Nancy Pelosi and Michelle Obama should never be viewed naked by anyone. Ever.

Back to the point. My immediate reaction is obviously that this guy wants to shame S.E. into never speaking out again. Its a way to threaten her without threatening her; a way to silence her or at least debase and belittle her opinions by turning her into nothing more than an object. And all of that is true. And all of that is outrageous. And demeaning. And objectifying. And pretty much everything Larry Flynt has spent his entire f***ing career doing to women. Which is obviously why he defended the image as satire. Because in his mind its smart, funny, engaging and edgy.

In his mind, though, he’s also a desirable Adonis who single-handedly ushered in a progressive vision of human sexuality. And we can see by his recent photos that he’s pretty far removed from reality. And a conscience. And a mirror.

Which brings me to how I really feel about this. I feel like this guy…this author…is actually nothing more than a coward.

You think this is going to get people like me (and S.E. Cupp) to shut up? You think this is going to scare poor little me into deleting my blog and going back to the kitchen where I belong? Or to disowning my beliefs? Fuck no. Because you know that this whole incident tells me? It tells me that, in this guy’s deepest fantasies, the people he’s thinking about aren’t gender-neutral women’s studies majors who own six pairs of Birkenstocks and  organic cheese farms and read books about “foremothers” and protest for abortion rights on the weekends off from their public interest law jobs. In his deepest, darkest beta male fantasies, he’s thinking about women like me.  And it scares the sh*t out of him. Which is why he has to Photoshop images of his dreams into the pages of over-ripe porno mags owned by aging (alleged) sexual predators.

In this little man’s fantasy, we’re just begging for him. We want him so bad. Because we’ve never had sex like we know we’d have with him. But reality plays out a little differently. Conservative and libertarian women don’t have sex with liberal men for a reason. We can’t stand all the crying. And the apologies. And the “feelings” they’ve “gotten in touch with” in order to get into college girls’ pants. Let’s face it. The real fantasy in the Hustler photo? That the author’s d*ck is anywhere near that big.

We’re not begging for sex with him.We know better.

And it drives him f***ing nuts.

So have your little Photoshopped fantasies, my friend. Because it means I know exactly who you’re thinking about when you tell your girlfriend that, “of course Gloria Steinem is attractive” and that you’re “definitely turned on by that Patchouli smell.” Because you know who’s going home happy.

Comments
  1. LJ Taylor
  2. Bill
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