No one running for President is anything like you.

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We long ago established that we have no f***ing clue what goes through people’s minds, making them decide that its a great idea to run for office. It’s obvious that it’s not something that follows normal brain function, because no normal human being would ever subject themselves to that kind of stress, anxiety, pure hatred, etc. We could let bananas do it if we felt compelled to subject bananas to emotional violence, but as studies have shown bananas do not grow as well under such circumstances, we simply have to assume some perverted free choice situation got you to your destination.

At any rate, politicians are nothing like us sensible people. First of all, we know a doughnut when we see it.

Sure, it looks like he’s out of touch with the common man, completely unable to identify this most common of blue-collar breakfasts. But watch closely. He starts to say “goodies” first, and then suddenly realizes exactly what’s about to happen. He knows he’s about to get f***ked. You can see that look in his eye, the one he gets when his programming is forced to take over and complete the action, but that little kernel of human inside him is letting out a silent scream of regret. Doughtnuts?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

But at least he recognizes that he is still lacking some of the more detailed knowledge required to fully adapt to human society. His opponent is still working to upgrade from version 1.0.

“What. The. Hell?” We cried as it seemed a thousand Republican voices cried out in orgasm and were suddenly silenced. The economy is doing fine? Is this the sort of “fine” that is really fine, or the kind of “fine” that women are when we’re really seething inside and would like to believe our mere thoughts could make your head explode? Because, and this is key, gentlemen, in that instance, we are not really fine.

The crux of his argument here, is actually more nuanced, of course. He’s trying to say that the private sector is taken care of,  and we should start “helping state and local governments” which is not only not the job of the Federal government, but is code for “let’s pump money into states that would force them to hire more public sector union workers.” Because that idea hasn’t, you know, been painfully repudiated of late.

People always talk about getting regular people to run for office, like that’s going to make a difference in the quality of our leadership. Given the fun we’re having right now, I can’t imagine why we’d want to.