Everyone is worried about Hillary Clinton getting fat now or something

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Hillary Clinton constantly reminds me of the Vice President in the movie, Dave: the one that they send around the world on ridiculous missions to pick up crazy sh*t from every country on Earth, just to get him the hell out of their hair. In the movie, it’s because the Veep is “too honest” and doesn’t fit in with the corrupt administration that is ripping government programs out of the hands of the poor. In real life, its probably because, if I had to work with Hillary Clinton, I’d regularly send her to third world countries on “exploratory missions,” too. Even if we, like, worked for a paper company or something.

But I wouldn’t care if she were fat. That woman is a beast, and the fatter she got, the better it would be for the United States. Because if she were fat, she could just literally crush opponents rather than just figuratively. Which is why its so confusing that Edward Klein, author of The Amateur, is worried the queen of pantsuits is getting…maaaaaaybe a little chunky.

“She’ll be 69 years old. And as you know—and I don’t want to sound anti-feminist here—but she’s not looking good these days. She’s looking overweight, and she’s looking very tired,” he said on Fox News in a discussion of whether Clinton will run for president in 2016. “I think she’s going to take some time off, get back into shape. And if her health holds out—that’s a big if, of course—if her health holds out, there’s no question in my mind she and Bill—two for the price of one—will run in 2016.”

The Fox host who had Klein on complained that Clinton “looks like she’s not trying, to be honest.”

Well, that’s a little harsh. Partly true, if you consider her sudden, one-woman crusade to bring back the scrunchie, but harsh. Especially if it somehow implies that being fat means you can no longer be a badass. Because, if that’s true, someone had better get Chris Christie and his finger guns on a treadmill and stat.