Yesterday, the campaign made clear that they want you to think of Barack Obama as your awesome husband who does awesome things for you and is always looking awesomely hot, because he’s awesome. After all, America, it’s very clear that you were only looking for someone to take care of you and dig your car out of snow and pay for your birth control as long as you totally did everything they said. OMG IT’S FIFTY SHADES OF GREY FOR REALS.
At any rate, not only does Barack Obama want to be the National Spouse, he totally wants all of the presents that come along with your happy marriage. Introducing, the Barack Obama Event Registry, where, instead of giving you useless sh*t like blenders and cash and bedsheets, your wedding guests can give you the gift that lasts a lifetime: a donation to the Barack Obama 2012 Presidential campaign.
Oh, this campaign isn’t hard up for money at all.
Seriously, though, can you imagine the wedding couple who would actually do this? Oh, you know the type. “Wedding” is probably not anywhere on the invitation because “marriage” is an outdated, Patriarchal concept that is merely a manifestation of the sexism inherent in the relationship between people who society has instructed belong to separate genders, when we know that gender is just really a cultural construct, so we’re really having a “handfasting” or a “sand-combining” or some other pagan hippie sh*t in a re-purposed garage or a “alternative wedding location.” And there won’t be dancing or booze or anything because although we’re totally celebrating our decision to commit our lives to each other, we want to stress that the end result for all married couples is either death or divorce. And the food will be vegan. And sourced from Dumpsters.
Worst goddam wedding ever.
Oh My God.
“Look, I know your loved one just died, but wouldn’t it be more meaningful instead of putting all that money towards some somder old funeral that everyone would all like to forget, just leave that body to science or something and send the money you’d otherwise spent directly to the Obama 012 campaign, and help create a lasting legasy to remember the departed by. …and in lue of flowers…” [coming soon to a campaign near you]
By the way, have you switched your life insurance beneficiary yet? Times wasting! Remember Obama 012!
First Michelle says I’m Barack’s husband. Now I’m supposed to have our wedding guests give to the campaign? I hate these arranged marriages.
If he’s my husband I want a divorce with $4,000 a month spousal support!!
[...] IS NOT A DRILL –>Barack Obama: All your wedding presents are belong to us. nakeddc.com/2012/06/22/bar… (via @emzanotti) [...]
Joining this registry= guaranteed divorce.
Dear Potential Obama Voter,
Do you have unused grocery store coupons lying around the house? Are your kitchen drawers stuffed with manufacturers coupons. You know you’ll never use them. Even though Michelle knows you should lose some pounds, you will never buy the Melba Toast and certainly NOT with a coupon..
Help President Obama take over the World by sending your unused coupons to:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave,
Wash, DC
And, please, don’t send expired coupons. There is nothing worse than handing someone something that is worthless.
Can you get “kill Whitey” signs as bridesmaids gifts? RT @tbuss76: @BradThor @youxia88 it’s real, have seen those signs elsewhere. Racism exists on the left
Don’t give your aluminum beer can tabs to some kidney foundation or a kids group, send them to the All Barack Party. For a special thankful response to the re-elected prez, leave the unopened can attached to the tab.
How about that money you give in church and the gold jewelry you were going to sell? Why stop there, do old people and babies really need birthday presents?
For just 3$, you can win a chance for me, Barr, to give you a BJ (men only apply).
[...] Barack Obama, your husband, also wants your wedding gifts now Go to this article [...]
[...] Via :: Naked DC [...]
[...] sort of couple would forgo wedding gifts in favor of a donation to the Obama reelection campaign? This kind, apparently: Oh, you know the type. “Wedding” is probably not anywhere on the invitation because [...]
Anyone recall the episode of Dharma and Greg where Dharma lamented, “Every moment of my life was turned into some kind of protest. The theme for my sixth birthday was ‘U.S. out of Central America’. The worst gifts.”
So this registry thing isn’t without comedic precendent.