Barack Obama, your husband, also wants your wedding gifts now

Yesterday, the campaign made clear that they want you to think of Barack Obama as your awesome husband who does awesome things for you and is always looking awesomely hot, because he’s awesome. After all, America, it’s very clear that you were only looking for someone to take care of you and dig your car out of snow and pay for your birth control  as long as you totally did everything they said. OMG IT’S FIFTY SHADES OF GREY FOR REALS.

At any rate, not only does Barack Obama want to be the National Spouse, he totally wants all of the presents that come along with your happy marriage. Introducing, the Barack Obama Event Registry, where, instead of giving you useless sh*t like blenders and cash and bedsheets, your wedding guests can give you the gift that lasts a lifetime: a donation to the Barack Obama 2012 Presidential campaign.

Oh, this campaign isn’t hard up for money at all.

Seriously, though, can you imagine the wedding couple who would actually do this? Oh, you know the type. “Wedding” is probably not anywhere on the invitation because “marriage” is an outdated, Patriarchal concept that is merely a manifestation of the sexism inherent in the relationship between people who society has instructed belong to separate genders, when we know that gender is just really a cultural construct, so we’re really having a “handfasting” or a “sand-combining” or some other pagan hippie sh*t in a re-purposed garage or a “alternative wedding location.” And there won’t be dancing or booze or anything because although we’re totally celebrating our decision to commit our lives to each other, we want to stress that the end result for all married couples is either death or divorce. And the food will be vegan. And sourced from Dumpsters.

Worst goddam wedding ever.

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