Everyone who thinks the economy sucks is just being ironic.

The good news is, the reason everyone is hating on the economy is because it’s just really cool to hate on the economy. Not because of anything that happened, guys. We all know that the economy just rocks. And if you don’t it’s because you’re either a hater, or you’re just too f***ing cool to be all like, yeah, I totally know Barack kicked the recessions ass. You’re just being ironic.

Economic recovery denial is just the new handlebar mustache. It’s all “Florence and the Machine is so f***ing yesterday” and floral rompers and fixed gear bikes and Goddard films where people die of ennui. It’s an Urban Outfitters catalog of vinyl records.  Got it?

It’s cool. I understand.  It’s tough to look back on the glory days of Change You Can Believe In and think, you know, that was me once. And it was nice. And now, you look around and realize that your staff had to scramble again to find the one minority volunteer and seat her in the middle of the front row for effect and they can’t sell tickets to your events and, even though you’d really love to campaign for change a second time, it only makes sense if you’re referring to the carpets in the Oval Office, because – and this is key – running for a second term in office isn’t running for change. It’s sort of running for more of the same thing. Running on a referendum might be tough sh*t, but it’s your sh*t now, buddy.

At any rate, there seems to be a contingency plan, which you should always have in the event people who have to choose to vote for ya second time don’t seem completely happy with the way the first time turned out: just start questioning their patriotism.

“We created a whole lot of millionaires to boot.  Businesses did just fine,” he insisted as the crowd applauded. “And you know there are plenty of patriotic, successful Americans all across the country — I meet them every day — who’d be willing to make this contribution again because they understand there is such a thing as the common good.  They understand that we’re in this thing together.”

If you love this country, America, you’ll pay more taxes. Because, obviously everyone in America is just clamoring to give more of their hard earned cash to people who they wouldn’t trust to water their plants while they were on vacation. I’m sure everyone with a keen eye for efficiency will be all over this idea faster than John Edwards on a cocktail waitress who forgot her pantyhose (still single, girls! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR).

Maybe this election isn’t as close as we think.