Congress was in session this week, and despite the fact that America has totally forgotten they exist, only that they are now armed with the power to force you to buy a gun or tax you or something, and as usual, they spent their time trying to make your life better.
For instance, this week, Congress determined that citizens of this fair nation had dealt, long enough, with the scourge of mini-golf holes that slope just too darn much. In response, they have now limited the slope of miniature golf courses to “1:48 at the start of play” and/or “only enough to send your ball back to you three times without an allowed mulligan.” There are no provisions for any handicaps that may be acquired while consuming alcohol.
Also, good news. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, perhaps, “self, we could use a miniature horse to help us with this bizarre spate of Schizophrenia we seem to have taken on in recent weeks,” you’re in luck. Congress has now officially recognized the miniature horse as a service animal, and you can now take your miniature service horse anywhere your little heart desires.
“Miniature horses were suggested by some commenters as viable alternatives to dogs for individuals with allergies, or for those whose religious beliefs preclude the use of dogs,” the rules state. Also mentioned as a reason to include the animals is the longer life span of miniature horses – providing approximately 25 years of service as opposed to seven years for dogs.
“Some individuals with disabilities have traveled by train and have flown commercially with their miniature horses,” the Justice Department notes.
“Similar to dogs, miniature horses can be trained through behavioral reinforcement to be ‘housebroken,’” it adds.
I don’t so much want a miniature horse as I want a monkey butler, preferably dressed in an adorable butler’s uniform and cared for by a midget (the midget can wear whatever he wants). In the sense that I have to consider what it is possible for me to achieve, however, I would be willing to settle for a miniature horse. If the miniature horse could be a miniature Clydesdale. Because that would be adorable. And I would totally braid its hair and force people to acknowledge it by name.
If said miniature horse were ever to run me into the ground financially, luckily, the USDA has officially sanctioned “food stamp parties” to possibly get more people who are obsessed with obviously raucous government parties and seniors in nursing homes hooked on the government dole. There will be punch, no doubt, and games! Like BINGO! Poor people love BINGO! It’s like one of those key parties in the 1970s except instead of sex with a random stranger, you get processed cheese food and canned hobo beans. And now you can even bring your horse!
I f***ing love America.