Back in 2006, when Howard Dean was considered the rising star of the progressive movement, the sitcom Will & Grace featured an episode where the main characters discussed which of their chosen political candidates were the most appropriate for their masturbation fantasies. According to Grace, played by Debra Messing in the first and final role of her career, although she generally held politicians in too high (or low, presumably) esteem to envision them naked, there was this one, Barack Obama, who was at least worth a shower fantasy. A meme was born.
Cut to just under six years later, and the left is still harping on what a handsome guy our Baracky turned out to be. Haven’t you seen him shirtless running in the waves with the athletic prowess of someone who’s only recently been allowed out of doors? It’s magical. Ladies, if you don’t vote for him, you’re not just voting against your own interests, you’re disappointing the very gods who chiseled his superior frame from the soft virgin clay of the untouched Earth.
But I also know that there’s a reason why we’re all here today, and why all of you are working so hard. There’s a reason — and it’s not just because we all support this awesomely phenomenal, terrific and handsome President. And I will admit, I’m a bit biased — (laughter) — but our President is pretty awesome. (Applause.) And we’re not just doing this because we want to win an election — although we do and we will. (Applause.) We are doing this because of the values we believe in.
Look, it’s not that I’m judging other people for their taste. At least, not at the moment. But really. Let’s look at this man for a moment and think about, in the most objective manner possible, how likely we’d be to answer his Match.com connection request.
First, here he is doing something manly with a pickaxe. And by “doing something manly,” I of course mean “swinging the damned thing like a girl, lucky if he doesn’t hack a hole through his loafers.”
Never take this man camping. By the time he dug deep enough to find water, you’d be a blanched skeleton washed up on a desert sand dune halfway across the world. And that’s if he’s able to effectively manage that thing. The way this is playing out, he’ll have sciatica before they even deliver the tree.
And then there’s the matter of the Mom Jeans.
Anywhoo, if Michelle Obama really feels as amorous towards the President as she says, is it possible she could use her vast clothing budget to purchase the man a goddam pair of jeans that fit? Perhaps this is her way of guarding him from any encroaching females, by ensuring that his dungarees ride up around his crotch and taper to a point at his ankles like they’re striving to be a pair of light blue polyester Sears pants for old dudes.
I hope he’s smart ladies. Because it’s hard to love pants like that.