Chris Christie to give RNC convention keynote speech, finger guns

Chris Christie is a badass. He’s not a particularly conservative badass, but he’s a badass. And when Chris Christie enters a room, you know he’s there. Because he gives everyone the finger guns. And eats all the donuts. And sits on people he doesn’t like.

I feel like we should note that he’s probably not going to be the Vice Presidential nominee, but that would be harsh to people who still hold out hope that it’s going to be someone other than a boring old white dude from a boring state somewhere in the middle of America, that likely refers to his constituents as living in “flyover country” and being “real Americans,” a character trait they express by loving babies, guns and Jesus, not necessarily in that order. Christie is something we rarely see from the GOP: someone with balls so big he has to go up a pants size, and at his girth, the search for those pants has to be impressively difficult. He’s unapologetic, probably a little crazy, and brutally good at roasting his opponents.

It’s too good to be true, so let’s just bask in the glory of what the promise of this remarkable announcement holds for America.

The word is going out quietly to Republican activists across New Jersey: If you’re going to the GOP convention in Tampa next month, be sure to be there by Tuesday night, Aug. 28, because Gov. Chris Christie is going to be giving the keynote speech that night.

“We’ve been told that’s the night to be there, that’s when the governor is going to speak. They’re saying he’s the keynoter,” one top party activist told The Post yesterday.

The other good news, attendant to this little tidbit, is that this probably means that, although Sarah Palin will likely be invited to the RNC, she won’t be a showcase speaker, which sort of explains why she and her surrogates are going around flaming the RNC to any news outlet that will listen, including the “lamestream” ones that she routinely accuses of being involved in a secret vampire cabal to erase her memory from the history books. The GOP has found it’s 2012 attack dog, and it isn’t the lipsticked pit bull. It’s Spuds MacKenzie with a later-in-life beer belly and a slight anger management problem.

I hope that this is real and not some fake rumor-to-distract-you-from-other-rumors thing, because taking this away from us would be patently unfair. Because – and this is key – the moment he enters the arena, fist-pumping to Journey and carrying a box of Krispy Kremes will be the moment the Republicans either win the election or flame out of existence entirely. Because the fat man is just that awesome. People will cry. Oh yes, they will cry.