Nancy Pelosi knows a fact when she sees one

I tend to believe Nancy Pelosi is as trustworthy a source as, say, that drunk chick who followed me into the bathroom line at Lollapalooza so that she and her squeeze bottle of wine could poke my sunburn and watch “my awesome tan” turn from white to pink. Repeatedly. For ten minutes. But whatever, suffice it to say, when Pelosi is adamant about something she considers a “fact,” it hasexactly the same weight as the word of any of a number of people I met who spend their $250 weekend pass taking mind-altering hallucinogens and listening to dubstep, which is a little like experiencing a washing machine on a never-ending spin cycle.

This, America, is why fanny packs are making a comeback. Beware. This is not a drill.

But I digress. You see, Nancy has a message for you, America. And it’s totally true, because she says it is. After all, what could be patently false about accusing Republicans of wanting children to drink E. Coli and die.

So, most E. Coli contamination happens in the food preparation stage, because people don’t follow already existing guideline from Federal and state governments properly. And, in case you were wondering, until those Federal and state guidelines came along, Americans were wandering in the wildnerness, unable to grasp the basic concept of washing their food before consuming it. But you didn’t build that, so obviously you wouldn’t, you know, also wash it.

But, whatever. You’re all going to drink E. Coli and die. And you’regoing to f***ing like it.

Also, whatever Harry Reid says is the God’s honest truth and no one should question it. Because unlike you, Harry Reid totally has awesome sources that tell him crazy things and they’re always right, like they know something we mortals don’t. And on that, you can take Nancy’s word to the bank.

Again.

“Harry Reid made a statement that is true. Somebody told him. It is a fact,” Pelosi told The Huffington Post in a Sunday interview. “Whether he did or not can easily be disposed of: Mitt Romney can release his tax returns and show whether he paid taxes.”

Pelosi also added that “Harry Reid is a person who is, as we know, A, is a fighter, B, he wouldn’t say this unless it was true that somebody told him that.”

There is absolutely no reason to doubt the veracity of Harry Reid’s claims that Mitt Romney didn’t pay his taxes, other than, you know, Politifact’s analysis and Mitt Romney’s assertion that he indeed paid a sh*tload of taxes over the last decade. He is a fighter! And he totally would never say something he didn’t know to be true! And that girl in homeroom is obviously a slut! Becauseyou can see it. And my best friend totally told me that she saw her doing it with a senior behind the bleachers after school on Tuesday!

Somebody told me! It’s a fact!

Here’s where, in an after school special, someone takes Nancy politely by the elbow into a guidance counselors office and explains to her that words are hurtful and if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all. And she nods tearfully and acknowledges that she’s been having troubles at home and her dog keeps eating her homework and her sister just really needs that ear implant and why can’t the world just be more fair? And then we all hug and the football teams wins states and no one gets pregnant at the prom.

But this is reality and the good news is people keep reporting on it. America needs to know about Mitt Romney’s taxes before they inevitably die of E. Coli.