Secret things in secret new Mitt Romney video not really that secret.

Let’s see. China and Japan are at each others’ throats. Russia is about to face civil unrest. Somebody who shall remain nameless may or may not have shut down the electrical systems at Iran’s nuclear sites. Muslims are rallying in cities across the globe burning the American flag and shouting about being pissed of at Barack Obama. And there was this thing about an embassy – or a few- being overrun.

All of which probably explains why someone dropped a “secret Mitt Romney video” of the candidate giving a fundraising speech at a fundraiser in Mother Jones’ lap this morning. Apparently, America is supposed to be outraged because Mitt Romney is…Republican.

Holy sh*t, Mother Jones. You don’t say.

Secret things that Romney’s tape reveals:

• 47% of Americans pay no income taxes. Which is true if you, you know, check the stats on who pays income taxes.
• Romney’s dad was Mexican. Yep. Still true.
• Being born in America is, in the world, is akin to being born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Shocking, I know. All of those kids born in third world countries are only desperate to come to America for our fast food and our rock music. Economic opportunity is just icing on the cake.
• Barack Obama appeals to those who value entitlements. Technically, he doesn’t always appeal to them. Which is why he puts together huge, interactive marketing campaigns to target them. Julia got a lot of crap for free.
• Women are breaking for Mitt Romney. Polls appear to indicate that married women have broken big time for Romney. Single women who are easily swayed by the promise of free sh*t? Not so much.
• Minorities traditionally vote Democrat. Did you hit the floor at that revelation? I know I did. Because I had absolutely no idea that black and Hispanic voters are reliably Democratic voters.
• Romney needs fundraisers to raise money. Holy f*** are you serious? I’ve worked campaigns, but I was always under the impression that when rich people met for dinner at posh locations, they were playing one of those real life murder mystery games.
• Mitt Romney has foreign policy advisers. For shame, Mr. Romney. For shame.
• Mitt Romney is concerned with alienating disappointed Obama voters and likes to discuss whether they are happy with the results of their vote with them. Right. Perhaps the hardest part of this for Mother Jones to digest is the fact that there are people out there who voted for Obama in 2008 who are somehow disenchanted with the candidate after four years of economic stagnation (at best), mediocre leadership and flaccid foreign policy responses.

I mean, I’m shocked. I’m floored. I’m downright amazed at what I’ve seen. But primarily because it appears Mitt Romney acts human in private. The other stuff is just bullsh*t. If I get a headline in my inbox that says “Secret Romney Tape” it better damned well be of him either changing his magic underwear or getting a firmware update through a USB  port hidden in his hairline. Or maybe Rafalca talking to him in a barn like Mr. Ed, giving him foreign policy advice. Or the dismembered, preserved head of Richard Nixon falling out of a suitcase.

I want real secret sh*t, you guys. This isn’t even full of good insults. Where’s the “NoBama” joke? Where’s the birtherism? Where’s the whole thing about communists and secret Karl Marx notebooks and Kenyan brothers with ties to the mafia. I get it. It’s surprising Mitt Romney is a conservative Republican. Lots of people are still confused about when and if that really happened, but if we’re gonna get all hot and bothered about him talking about tax statistics and polling data?

Meh.