So this week, the Obama campaign launched a “#forall” campaign, presumably in response to Mitt Romney pointing out that 47% of Americans don’t pay the Federal government’s debts through income taxes and that he’s not going to waste his money trying to convince people who like Obama to vote for him. Most people thought this was an opposition research drop to distract the media from the slowly unraveling Middle East situation. As it turns out, the oppo drop – and the #forall campaign launch – was actually setting the stage for a star-studded ad campaign guaranteed to inspire nightmares.
Because it’s just that f***ing creepy.
Don’t just vote for Obama, America. Pledge your allegiance.
Apparently, all those times you said the Pledge of Allegiance as a child, you were really committing to fighting for “progressive values,” or, in other words, the power of the government to take your money by force and hand it off to useless, bloated, bureaucratic organizations that serve as retirement programs for people with pessimistic worldviews and surly attitudes. Had I known, I probably been one of those weird kids who refused to stand for it.
At any rate, the campaign is banking on Americans doing whatever Scarlett Johansson tells them to do in hopes that Scarlett Johansson will publicly remove her shirt. However unlikely, it’s a better strategy than, say, talking about Obama’s record. And, it keeps people like Jessica Alba away from Scientology, which should be a win for our future as a nation. Unfortunately, it probably also means that Barack Obama-mania is the new Scientology. Which sort of makes sense when you think about it: give him your money and no one gets hurt…at least not right away.
And like Scientology, to help you along the way, the Obama campaign has a whole host of products you can purchase, including a handy piece of wall art to remind you of your Pledge of Allegiance daily.
I don’t even.
Look, in a way, I sort of love this, because it’s like watching a bizarre cultural phenomenon develop from the outside. You always wonder how these things come to pass. Like, how do people end up with unfortunate tattoos of the Tasmanian Devil? What happens to all of those “Is that your final answer?” tee shirts? Where did that little kid from Jerry Maguire end up? Ten years from now, people will be asking whether it was true that back in the 2010s people wore formal shorts and leggings as pants and put sh*t like this on the walls of their bedrooms. And we were all there when it happened.
Plus there’s that hole thing about this being ridiculously, hilariously terrifying and impossible to relate to for middle Americans who have been out of work for five years and are now stockpiling canned food and sewing together their Thunderdome costumes. But that’s just icing on the cake.
I wonder if these are printed on canvas. If they’re printed on canvas they can definitely be used for pup tents.