Before we get into this story, let’s just fill in on some background. Everybody ready? Ok. Now. Let’s watch Stephanie Cutter, Obama campaign spokeswoman extraordinaire, totally lose her sh*t on CNN, turn beet red and scream “HE’S WRONG” repeatedly in the wake of a CNN anchor questioning whether Mitt Romney was really going to implement a $5 trillion tax increase. Or tax cut. Or whatever, she can’t even remember it now.
Why did I force you to endure that? Because it appears the same woman is now leading the charge in responding to Mitt Romney’s sudden upsurge in the polls and upper hand in the campaign. No, she’s not dropping a story about that one time in college when Mitt Romney had half a beer and subsequently jumped into his neighbor’s pool from the roof of his garage. Nope, it’s not a shocking expose on that incident when Romney was governor and accidentally left the state without fresh water for days.*
Nope, in the wake of a campaign disaster, with a failed narrative about a seven-foot tall bird hanging around their neck, the Obama campaign is sending Stephanie Cutter out to recover their most faithful voters.
By screaming about vaginas.
Or as we’re going to start calling it, “deploying the vagina whistle.”
For Immediate Release: Wednesday, October 10, 2012Contact: Obama for America Press
PRESS CALL: Cecile Richards and Stephanie Cutter to Address Mitt Romney’s Dishonesty on Women’s RightsCHICAGO – Today, Obama for America will host a press conference call featuring Planned Parenthood Action Fund President* Cecile Richards and Obama for America Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter, because Mitt Romney continues to be dishonest about his position on contraception and a woman’s right to choose. They will explain why this dishonesty won’t fool female voters.WHO: Cecile Richards, Planned Parenthood Action Fund President*Stephanie Cutter, OFA Deputy Campaign Manager
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, MITT ROMNEY WON’T SAY THAT HE WILL MAKE VAGINAS ILLEGAL. That is more than likely because Mitt Romney (1) has no intention of making any vagina illegal, (2) is actually not opposed to women taking contraception that they pay for (or for that matter, that their employer whose religion doesn’t forbid paying for birth control pays for) and (3) is pretty much convinced the issue of abortion is going to be resolved through litigation and not through any edict he can deliver from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But every other avenue of attack has failed, so we’re circling right back to scaring the sh*t out of a bunch of women who are too busy studying for their Women’s Studies final and collecting little owl figurines from Urban Outfitters to pay attention.
I think my favorite part of these missives is the very last line: “this dishonesty won’t fool female voters.” Women reading this will, presumably, think this is a compliment on the part of the Obama campaign, soothing their low self-esteem with all the thinly-veiled smarminess of an afternoon talk show host focusing on an imagined high school over-tanning epidemic. If the Obama campaign thought female voters were capable of making an informed decision, they would probably have included someone on this call with more commitment to the intellectual aspect of constitutional rights than a glorified abortion crusader and an only marginally capable campaign mouthpiece. But let’s not interfere with the precious egos of the third- and fourth-wave feminists, who are utterly convinced their shrill missives and papier-mache vagina costumes are doing wonders for the cause of global women’s rights.
But none of that matters here. We’re talking about VAGINAS.
*These are not for real, though judging by the quality of Obama’s opposition research team, it probably doesn’t really matter anyway.