So that happened.

Meh. I told you people to never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. That wasn’t merely tongue-in-cheek. There’s a cynical, if foundational principle of politics that, despite it’s age, will never fail: people will always vote themselves free sh*t. And Barack Obama is like, 90% about free sh*t. End of story.

Like I said, I told you it was gonna happen. Jennifer Granholm and Kwame Kilpatrick and Pat Quinn and all that. Burn the economy? Meh. WHERE IS MY BIRTH CONTROL.

But life goes on. Get yourself a shotgun and some canned food and a good tax attormey and buck up, camper. It’s gonna be an interesting four years. And you all need to calm the f**k down. It’s a lot harder to work with people who are running around tearing their hair out and screaming. Some of you have children. You know what I’m talking about.

And now that I’m recovered from doing a blue shot for every swing state I lost to the Dark Side, I do have some takeaway that I’ll share with you. So I will.

1. There are certain elements of the Republican Party that need to be jettisoned or taught to obey. Evangelicals, for example, were more than happy to stand for hours in line to get themselves a chicken sandwich, but seemingly unwilling to wait in those same lines to vote their values, though lots of us assumed they would. On the other hand, Republicans kept sending a Cuban to talk to a Mexican like they were totally the same thing. Look at your landscape, people. It’s changed since the Bush years. It’s time to start reaching out and acting like minorities, young people and immigrants are valuable to your operation. The left works hard on identifying needs and serving them, even when that comes at the expense of taxpayers. The right works hard at assuming the people who have always been with them will always BE with them.

Plus, white people just aren’t having babies anymore.

2. Elections are reality shows now. For better or worse, campaigns have become less about policy and more about entertainment. Although Republicans criticized the left for resorting to “Twitter trending topics,” in this day and age of public school and Honey Boo Boo, cultural phenomenons and taste-based advertising are at the crux of voter communication. If you’re not smart, funny, engaging and quick witted, you’re going to be left behind. And when I say this, I mean, get involved in culture. And not culture from thirty years ago. And not whining about culture being too brash or bold or grotesque. Be brash. Be bold. Be grotesque. COMPETE.

3. Republicans need to stop talking about rape. I’m not saying that just to be facetious. I’m anti-abortion myself, but let’s be clear here: plastic babies and scripture verses and thirty year old slogans and talking points memos are totally useless. Stop letting ladies in stretch pants and embroidered cat sweatshirts define how you speak about the more important issues. You’re a uterus in a vagina world.

4. Rich dudes from Massachusetts are probably a losing bet.

5. The world is changing. The priorities are changing. And you play the Game of Thrones or you die.

Good luck, America. You’re gonna need it. Well, at least for the next month or so, if they Mayans were right.

UPDATE: One more thought occurred to me. Conservatives, quit being whiny pussies. The media isn’t your friend. People will call you racist. Everyone hates you and wants you to die. Put on your goddam big girl panties and suck it up. Enough with this mid-1990’s-Ann-Coulter-esuqe-waahhhh-everyone-is-mean-to-us crap. The media isn’t your friend. Hollywood isn’t your friend. So f**k them. Or at least quit chasing them down their rabbit holes.

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