Morning Report: Back to work

Congress is back to work, America! Aren’t you lucky!

1. There is a Fiscal Cliff on the horizon, which America is set to drive over like Thelma and Louise on a bender, but first, there’s this important issue of what to do with 41 polar bear carcases trapped in Canada.

2. Stryker Corporation, a corporation whose head gave bazillions to Democrats in 2008 and 2012 will have to lay off workers and close production facilities because Obamacare raises taxes on basically everything they make.

3. Do not ask the Secretary of the Interior about the interior unless you want to taste his mean right hook.

4. Because more than 25,000 people signed petitions from Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, North CarolinaTennessee and Texas requesting that their state be allowed to secede, the White House will be forced by their own rules to address the possibility. Now, I don’t know how well this will all work out, but I DO know that there’s at least a 65% chance Honey Boo Boo will be President of this new nation and that would be amazing.

5. As if America cannot get enough of Gen. David Petraeus, he makes a cameo appearance in Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. Which will never be as good as Assassins Creed 3. No way.

Almost halfway there, America. You’re gonna make it.

  1. Earthlings on Mars

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