Illinois adopts Squeezy the Pension Python to teach state why it shouldn’t spend money

Illinois would like you to know that, despite being one of the first states to apply for a government bailout, you can’t trust it with your money. Introducing Illinois’ solution to the pension crisis that’s threatening to sink the economy of the entire state.

Meet Squeezy the Pension Python.

Technically, since Squeezy has fangs, he’s not a python, but a more sinister cousin of the python mixed with a python. So, no, they didn’t even get that part right. But that’s beside the point. The point is that Illinois has decided to solve it’s pension crisis with a cartoon snake.

America, this is clearly a game-changer.

Of course, there are a few problems with the video (aside from the fact that it’s four minutes long and hosted with a man who mistook a small dead animal for his hair), most notably that the government of Illinois has been borrowing to pay the pensions of it’s employees for years, thus putting the squeeze on. But the video is more interested in explaining why pension need to be paid, so instead of entrusting Squeezy with reform, it appears the taxpayers of Illinois will be presented with a tax increase and the additional threat of being killed by a giant, gluttonous 1970’s Saturday Morning cartoon villain snake.

Also, the domain name, which is, of course, an unintentional punchline (“That’s My Illinois!”), registration lists the home address of the governor’s spokesperson. And the snake is apparently killing the capitol building, which no one should object to.

  1. Bill

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