Everyone knows that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the most dangerous night of the year in terms of reconnecting with assholes you never liked in high school in an effort to make yourself feel better about all the time you wasted smoking weed in the back hallways in an effort to fully preclude your ultimate life success. And you get to follow it up by spending hours of quality time eating with people who you hate but are also related to you, and complicate the situation by drinking.
If that’s not the worst part of your weekend, say, because you tried to heal your mental wounds with an ill-advised alumni hookup, or you spent your Thanksgiving getting raped, fear not! Has Planned Parenthood got a Black Friday deal for you.
That’s right! Today only, you can get that abortion you’ve always dreamed of forten bucks off. If that doesn’t say “Merry Christmas to all!” I really can’t tell you what does.
P.S. As with most Black Friday deals, this isn’t a particularly great offer. In fact, the same Planned Parenthood clinic offered a “$50 off your abortion!” coupon that expired in May. So if you can hold on to it just a little longer, you might be in luck.