1. Good news! If you thought Jeb Bush was going to be your only choice to run against Presumptive President Hillary Clinton in 2016, you were wrong. Rick Santorum hasn’t ruled out another shot at the top job! Because if there’s anyone who should definitely be President, it’s Rick Santorum.
2. More good news! The Pentagon would like you to know that, if it ever assigns a robot to kill you, that robot will be taking it’s orders from a human. For now.
3. And more good news! Debbie Wasserman Schultz did such a good job as DNC chair that she will stay on to fundraise off all of the debt she accumulated.
4. And even more good news! The United Nations thinks it can control the Internet now.
5. A community college in Boston has a painting of Obama with a crown of thorns on his head. Because if we aren’t financing this type of art with our tax dollars, who would?
America, so many good things are happening. You should be proud.