Morning Report: The war on turkey

Good news, America! President George W. Bush Nobel Peace Prize Barack Obama has committed US troops and arms to protect Turkey from the conflict in Syria, since it’s now threatening to bleed over that country’s borders. And you were thinking that you weren’t getting anything nice for Christmas. Well, think again! You’re getting an undeclared war!

Aren’t you lucky.

1. The US Congress is charged with finding a way to avoid plunging the country into a second economic crisis. Thankfully, they’ve been using their time at work to focus on important things, like banning cell phone apps that let you stalk your significant other or something. Oh, and hair straightening products.

2. Michelle Obama thinks that the GOP had a super secret plan to steal the 2012 election that Barack Obama defeated by his sheer will and good looks. She has obviously never met a Republican. Which is not surprising, since it seems her husband hasn’t met one, either.

3. There is a War on Women going on, and Susan Rice, who withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, is a casualty. Or something.

4. Don’t ride the Members Only Congressional elevator with Rep. Virginia Foxx because it might be the last elevator you ever ride.

5. Barack Obama has said that marijuana enforcement is not a top priority for his administration. Which I’m sure is comforting to the thousands of people serving prison sentences under Federal law for minimal possession charges.

It’s almost over, America. Almost.

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