Since we sort of disappeared for Christmas because it’s so much easier to avoid major editing mistakes when we’re not drunk – though our excuse for the rest of the year is speculative at best – we felt that we should gift our fair readers with something. Anything. And since what is most requested is naked photos of the authors, well…
But we will give you our Top Ten Craziest Hippie Protests of 2012. So you’ll probably get someone naked.
READY OR NOT.
1. Nebraska trots out Lil’ Sebastian to take on the Keystone Pipeline. Because nothing says “digging here will probably not disturb my water supply but I can say so because you won’t fact check” like a miniature rodeo.
2. Daryl Hannah surfaced out of the 1970s and got arrested with her 78-year-old grandmother in Texas in October, after attempting to block construction of the Keystone Pipeline. In other news, Daryl Hannah is still alive.
3. Anthony Williams has a solution to all of America’s energy problems. Only he’s not entirely sure what it is. But what he does know is that it comes in a box. A “something box.”
4. He’s trying to get the vibrations of power and harmony that are inside him to flow outward so that they can be put to work within the White House. He’s harnessing the power of the elements to call forth his inner Captain Planet. He’s also dressed like an owl.
5. Jill Stein proved that her candidacy on behalf of the Green Party was more than just a name on a sign and a dream when she got arrested, also protesting the Keystone Pipeline, sometime during her failed campaign. In her defense, it was probably the only earned media she ever got. The only problem is you’re probably only finding out about it now.
6. Trying to block an oil pipeline is a great way to prove your “green” credibility. But getting arrested wandering around is one thing. Actually clogging up the pipeline is quite another. That is an achievement only the most hardcore of the hardcore ever unlock. Shockingly, the event ended with them being forcibly removed at risk to life and limb of emergency responders.
7. If I were to guess the one thing that would frighten a construction crew into giving up a project, it would definitely be a handpainted sign with a quote from Lord of the Rings hung from a shakily-constructed tree bridge.
8. A Simpsons plot came to life this year when an obscure American insect species, the American Burying Beetle, unwittingly became the most successful environmental protester of 2012. Strangely, this did not prompt Golden Owl Man to change his tactics.
9. Professor Dumbledore may have been unable to help Harry Potter defeat Lord Voldemort due to the unfortunate circumstance of being dead, but that didn’t stop him from showing up to defeat the TransCanada Pipeline.
10. And finally, the first rule of protesting should probably be, make sure that when you chain yourself to a bulldozer, that the bulldozer you’re chained to is actually related to the project you’re protesting.
Merry Christmas, everyone. And here’s to a happy and possibly even better 2013.