Morning Report: Back to work

I have the flu, which makes this partially a full week of vacation and partially the worst week of my life. And you people are still here. So let’s keep this going like nothing is happening and I didn’t sleep in until 10 o’clock and the dog didn’t eat all the cat toys and barf up the stuffing, that sitting on the couch reading Game of Thrones is a productive way to spend the day, and that the mere fact that we’re even talking about a “fiscal cliff” doesn’t prove that this country is being run by a bunch of complete f***-ups who couldn’t find their asses with both hands, naked with a map.

1. George H. W. Bush is in the hospital under care for a persistent fever that has left him unable to eat. While our prayers are with the former President and his family in this difficult time, a great deal of the Internet is wishing for his death, possibly because our public school system has so fully degraded that they have no idea who he is.

2. Taxes for Americans will go up half a trillion if we go over the Fiscal Cliff, which is good news, because we’ve maxed out our $16 trillion dollar credit card.

3. The War on Drugs has been so effective, particularly in Dianne Feinstein’s home state of California, that she’s introduced a detailed plan to begin America’s War on Guns. The good news? Nearly the entire bill is based on research done in the 1990s, so you can be assured that all assessments of today’s sophisticated market in fake Chinese handguns is taken into consideration. Or not.

4. There’s a petition with 60,000 signatures calling on the White House to deport CNN talk show host Piers Morgan. The only problem? There’s another petition from the UK, with about as many signatures, requesting that the US either keep him or give him his own island where he can interview monkeys and talk to plants, given that they spent 40 years trying to get rid of him.

5. Barack Obama told Barbara Walters that he ran for President a second time so that men with guns would continue to protect his daughters. But not yours. Because yours aren’t important.

Ah, well. Wish me luck, America. This will be a long day.

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