Well, America, it’s happened. The Mayans were a few days off, but never doubt the prognostication talents of a civilization that has long since disbanded into the jungles of a random central American country, because as it happens, approximately six months from today, Kim Kardashian will give birth to Kanye West’s child and the world will end. Because nothing says “harbinger of the apocalypse” like the sudden procreation of two of the world’s largest unsupportable egos.
Well, the largest unsupportable egos outside of Washington.
Let’s recap your Fiscal Cliff negotiations before we go off the cultural one.
1. There is no update on your Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Which means your taxes are going up at midnight, probably. Remember that when you’re clinking those champagne glasses. And protect yourself. Any unexpected New Years bundles of joy will not be awarded their traditional incentives.
2. There is one plan that might help to soften the blow, though, as Rep. Joe Manchin suggests that instead of socking you with all of the tax hikes at once, the government instead rapes you slowly over the next three years in the hopes that at some point you come to enjoy it.
3. America is now this much closer to firing everyone in DC except for RGIII.
4. Barack Obama now admits there might have been some “sloppiness” in how Benghazi security was handled. But for the record it was entirely the fault of the State Department. Can we talk about something else, like how awesome Barack looks in that soft light they keep using?
5. An NBC medical reporter is puzzled about Hillary Clinton’s sudden-onset blood clots, considering you don’t usually treat blood clots in your head with blood thinners, so either it’s something else or she’s having secret cankle replacement surgery.
Happy New Year, America! 2013 is starting off right.