Morning Report: The return

Vacation’s over, everyone. And damned if I’m going to let this week suck as hard as the last one. I mean someone needs to show 2013 who’s boss before that bitch rolls over us.

And just FYI, I’m pretty sure that the Baby Jesus is a ‘Bama fan. And I feel extremely comfortable saying that as a Catholic.

1. Today, the White House will announce John Brennan as the new director of the CIA and Chuck Hagel as the new director of the Department of Defense. Brennan is pretty non-confrontational, which is good because Chuck Hagel is a raving lunatic who probably won’t get confirmed because Democrats hate him as much as he hates gays and Jews.

2. Not to be outdone in poor choices by the White House, and Danny Glover suggested that the President appoint Paul Krugman to the post of Treasury Secretary. You laugh, but this is probably going to happen.

3. Nancy Pelosi has never read the Constitution, nor does she care to.

4. This is the moment when all of those hilariously astute Twitter handles like, “RomneyLies” reach the full fruition of their irony.

5. To Brooklyn hipsters, outsourcing is the new handlebar mustache.

Let’s make this week something to be proud of, America. After all, you still have two weeks until you’re at the average point for breaking New Years resolutions.

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