Morning Report: No, I swear I’m fine

Thank you for your kind concern. Other matters of business have kept me from being able to post, but I’m not in any real trouble. In fact, I’m considering taking on an intern so that you people will get off my damned back. Who wants a job?

1. Hilda Solis has resigned, which means that the Labor Department reports will get a lot less complicated to understand. For like, a week, anyway.

2. The Chicago Teachers Union president affectionately known to her fellow citizens as “Waddles” has decided that she’s had enough of these overweight tub-of-lard rich people and would please like them made shorter by a head.

3. Chuck Hagel might have a tough time getting a seal of approval from rational human beings, but he’s definitely and completely earned the support of David Duke.

4. The man who stole Barack Obama’s bestest friend in the universe has been caught and has now pleaded guilty.

5. Jack Lew has the most craptacular signature ever to potentially grace a dollar bill.

Good day, America. GOOD DAY.

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