Good news! Your government-paid Amtrak conductor is probably totally high.

In their defense, you probably need to be high all the time if your job is riding Amtrak.

Amtrak employees tested positive more often for drugs and alcohol than their peers from other railway companies, according to a summary of recent investigations released Monday by the company’s inspector general.

The finding was highlighted in a semi-annual report to Congress from Amtrak Inspector General Ted Alves. Alves touted the drug test findings as one of his office’s most significant accomplishments between April and September 2012, the time period covered by his review.

Let’s be straight here. When you get a billion dollars a year to basically fail at your job, you probably have more than enough time to spend smoking a bowl in the communal train bathroom. Even the bus has wifi.

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