So, sorry if I’ve been all down in the dumps this week. It’s just been one of those phases in life before your 31st birthday where you realize how little you’ve done with your life that hasn’t involved adopting cats and talking to imaginary people on the Internet. On the plus side, I’ve resolved to continue down this path in the hopes that it will one day earn me fame, fortune and a spot on one of those reality television programs where they put a bunch of B-list celebrities in a house together.
1. The Administration has settled on letting whiny, emotional, issue-ignorant 8-year-olds dictate their policies. Which is why, in lieu of appointing John Kerry, the White House will announce next week that Justin Bieber has agreed to be our new Secretary of State.
2. Obama’s Jobs Council is effectively addressing this complete lack of American jobs by totally not meeting for over a year.
3. Paul Ryan keeps making me not regret the decision I made to break up with him.
4. New York, not realizing that their own cops use “high capacity magazines,” forgot to exempt them from the sweeping gun ban that the legislature just passed.
5. This is a weird portrait.
This week will end, America. Tomorrow, the inauguration.