Barack and Michelle Obama now star in an erotic novel, finally.

They knew you were waiting for it, America. With all your shower fantasies and your tingles up the legs and your let’s stay together ooohhs and aaahhs, it was only a matter of time until someone attempted to harness that fantasy goodness and capitalize off the Fifty Shades of Grey crowd by pulling it all together in a neat little self-published package

You may be prevented from knowing exactly what goes on on those $5 million Hawaiian vacations they take every year at Christmas time because FOIA doesn’t cover the Presidents activities lest you have a time machine and can retroactively trip him on a golf course or something, but Guest House Games is here, apparently, to solve that mystery for you.

Surely American literature has reached new heights with the publication of GuestHouse Games, in which Barack and Michelle Obama, “alone in their isolated beachfront guesthouse in the tropical paradise of Kailua, Hawaii,” are “drawn into the ancient Hawaiian spiritual world and into the exploration of their own deepest and most forbidden desires.”

It looks like you’ll have to read the whole thing to find out why they’re staying in the guesthouse as opposed to the main residence, among other mysteries.

uStarNovels, the publisher of this pioneering work, describes itself as a purveyor of “specially crafted original erotica and erotic romance” featuring “characters that are relatable for everyone” and “experiences that are credible.”

Consider me shocked they didn’t name it The Big O.

Just in case you were afraid it was merely a one-off story about the First Couple with little other plot development, the publisher assures you, America, that the novel, which it helpfully characterizes as “fan fiction,” meaning someone has had enough of these thoughts to put them to paper, also involves a gardener (specifically for the guesthouse, which seems impractical in this unreliable economy), a second couple, and a guesthouse cat.

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