America, let’s please just stop having this gun debate. It’s getting crazy.

I don’t really cover this beat because, for starters, I live in Chicago where I am rendered defenseless by my elected leaders lest I seriously challenge their decision not to pick up my trash for three weeks following election day. Plus, while wholeheartedly support the right to bear arms in defense of private property, there comes a point where the argument for and against gun control devolves into a battle to the death between people brandishing American flag-painted AR-15s from the seats of their Army cammo Rascal scooters, and over-emotional, strech-pants-sporting, mini-van driving soccer moms begging you to think of the children that will be senselessly murdered by responsible gun owners.

But that doesn’t mean that this debate hasn’t provided onlookers with a surprising level of entertainment. Let’s run down the five best stories of the gun control debate, so far. Because, the only way to make it through something like this, America, is to fully embrace your sense of humor.

1. Mayor Bloomberg presides over a city with some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, and unlike Chicago, where gang leaders are involved in local government, thus preventing a full commitment to ignoring their crimes against humanity, they actually enforce those laws. And he is very serious about the subject of gun control. Unless there is a woman with a very fine ass walking by. And then, if you ask him about gun control, he will show you that he is very serious about very fine asses.

2. Everyone has this friend, who is probably at least facially liberal, meaning that he decries corporatism while carrying around an Apple computer and bundling up in a North Face jacket when it gets too cold for him to only wear his organic cloth shirts, who when asked about the state of race relations in America will wax poetic about his “black friend” who he totally understands and who has made him see the value of equality in America, as well as the given him a first-hand understanding of the plight of the historically oppressed. This one black friend also informs his music decisions, and likes that he reads Maya Angelou poems conspicuously on public transportation. This dude you know also probably stiffs waiters and talks condescendingly to Mexican counter-service restaurant workers, because his concern for those of lower socio-economic status is reserved for mining them for their value to his voting record, and for knowing what’s best for them overall.

That friend is totally Barack Obama, who knows what it feels like to own a gun and feel your rights are violated by measures mean to punish responsible gun ownership as a way of addressing an inexplicable national tragedy because he’s totally been skeet shooting a couple of times and he’s, like, very into it.

3. Rahm Emanuel, whose city has an average of 20 gun-related incidents per weekend (and per-day in the summer when it’s warm enough to gang-bang until the early morning), most – if not all – of which involve firearms purchased in violation of Chicago’s laughable city-wide gun ban. The good news is, most of our gun-related incidents only involve maiming, because Chicagoans seem to have notoriously bad aim, and our fair mayor, whose city council relies on gang leaders to turn out the vote, has written a sternly worded letter to banks that finance companies that make guns.

4. David Brock runs Media Matters for America, which is funded by George Soros, who envisions a gun-free world, possibly so that the townspeople cannot rise up and depose him. David Brock has a weird history, from erratic behavior on the job, to this tour of his DC apartment which appears to feature a desk tableau that would make cocaine use relatively easy. But now, it’s been revealed that he also has a history of hiring people to violate the DC gun ban.

A staffer at left-wing Media Matters for America committed numerous felonies in the District of Columbia and around the country by carrying a firearm to defend the organization’s founder, David Brock, The Daily Caller has learned.

According to a knowledgeable source, multiple firearms used to protect the Media Matters founder were purchased with Brock’s blessing — and apparently with the group’s money.

TheDC has previously reported that Brock’s one-time aide, Haydn Price-Morris, carried a concealed Glock handgun as he traveled with the liberal leader to public events in Washington, D.C.

In response, Media Matters has like, twenty bazillion stories on its homepage raking conservative talking heads over the coals for defending gun ownership.

5. Janet Napolitano just bought 7,000 assault rifles. Because, you know, self defense.

The Department of Homeland Security is seeking to acquire 7,000 5.56x45mm NATO “personal defense weapons” (PDW) — also known as “assault weapons” when owned by civilians. The solicitation, originally posted on June 7, 2012, comes to light as the Obama administration is calling for a ban on semi-automatic rifles and high capacity magazines.

Citing a General Service Administration (GSA) request for proposal (RFP), Steve McGough of RadioViceOnline.com reports that DHS is asking for the 7,000 “select-fire” firearms because they are “suitable for personal defense use in close quarters.” The term select-fire means the weapon can be both semi-automatic and automatic. Civilians are prohibited from obtaining these kinds of weapons.

And now you feel safer.

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