Daily Report: Your weekend update

What did you miss over the weekend? Well, if you were in Chicago, you missed a bizarre ice storm followed by fifty degree temperatures that turned everything into mud. But, on the plus side, the city council discovered what really forces people to obey the gun laws: inclement weather that threatens to turn them into human snowmen. Expect us to hire the newly jobless Al Gore as a consultant soon.

1. Remember when the GOP, freshly off a spineless Fiscal Cliff compromise, decided their hill to die on was a bill to provide hurricane relief to families still hurting from Sandy? Well, that bill ate up all of the revenue generated by the Fiscal Cliff bill, so it all worked out anyway.

2. Government officials can still own “assault weapons” under Diane Feinstein’s comprehensive gun control bill, so the Department of Homeland Security has gone right ahead and ordered 7,000. For your protection, obviously.

3. Our nation-building efforts in Egypt are working fabulously.

4. Apparently, the reason that the Republicans have been so reticent to cave to the Democratic agenda over the past month? They’re still in shock from the election. Because, obviously.

5. Sometimes, it doesn’t even take words for Hillary Clinton to communicate with Barack Obama. And then there was this time they finished each others sentences and then, he totally gave her a besties necklace at a sleepover right before they did each others hair and watched a scary movie.

It’s almost February, people! What happened?

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