Morning Report: The -.1%

You know it’s bad when the first thing you see in the morning is a giant frowny face on Drudge.

1. The economy shrank last month, unexpectedly. Because it’s always unexpected. Because, possibly, they don’t know the meaning of unexpected. Having someone randomly showing up at your house at three am, drunk off their ass, without calling or texting is “unexpected.” Knowing they’re going to show up five days ahead and changing the sheets for them does not make their appearance unexpected.

2. John Kerry was confirmed as Secretary of State yesterday. Today commences our new foreign policy of boring everyone to death.

3. Al Gore is not interested in hearing how selling his television channel to oil barrons might have been a bad idea vis a vis the whole Global Climate Change thing.

4. Speaking of which, no one should trust weather reports from the UN.

5. Ted Cruz really wants a dead fish in his mailbox.

Almost halfway there, America. The weekend is in sight!

  1. Earthlings on Mars

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