Homeland Security says you are totally fine without guns as long as you have scissors.

I don’t actually know anyone who ran with scissors in elementary school. I knew a kid who once tried running with them in high school, but only because he also didn’t know anyone who ran with scissors in elementary school. But Idoknow that they told us not to run with scissors often enough that we all believed them to be a very deadly weapon when they got into the wrong hands, namely someone who liked to run with them.

The good news for all of you who never followed the rules on that scissor thing? The Department of Homeland Security would like you to know that all that time you spent trying to impale your classmates (or yourself, if you were too dumb to hold the pointy end outward) was just great training for repelling a murderous workplace attacker with a gun.

Because, obviously.

Thankfully, to dispel any doubt as to the veracity of the claims I just made about them being complete idiots, they’ve spent your money making this exciting and informative video.

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

The video, titled “Options for Consideration,” also advises that people who get caught in an “active shooter” situation should run away, hide under a desk or take cover out of the line of fire.

I could point out that in a gun-friendly workplace, the “weapon at hand” you are instructed to grab would likely also be a firearm, which seems, to me, at least, to be significantly more effective at repelling an armed intruder than hiding under your desk with a pair of scissors hoping the shooter walks by so that you can stab him in the ankle.

Now, yes, in an extreme situation, you should probably pick up those scissors, and admittedly, taking out the Achilles tendon does happen to fell someone pretty quickly, but then there’s that added problem of the attacker probably shooting you as he lies, writing in pain, on the ground, because, and this is key, you now happen to be eye level with the intruder.

But such consequences are not for the Department of Homeland Security to consider. They are too busy laughing at your naked X-rays and trying to order 7000 automatic weapons to defend themselves.

 

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  1. J Welsh
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