Yesterday, while Chuck Hagel was busy denying that he totally thinks Washington is run by a cabal of Jewish millionaires intent on oppressing the Arab world, my cell phone kept reinforcing his conspiracy theories by changing “Hagel” to “Bagel.” Because even the phone knows what a joke it is to nominate someone with blatant disregard for one of our major allies to the position of Secretary of Defense.
What the cell phone, and America, apparently didn’t know was that Chuck Hagel was a complete doofus who was intellectually stymied by a man whose combover isn’t fooling anyone. Even the White House couldn’t be bothered to throw a tantrum this morning over Republican grandstanding and instead noted that they were disappointed in his performance, but believe he’ll be confirmed, even if it is only by a slim margin.
So let’s knock off the top five moments of yesterday’s Best Confirmation Hearing Ever.
1. Chuck Hagel is very sorry that he said that Israel “keeps Palestinians caged up like animals.” If that’s what he said. Because he’s not sure that he said that. But he’s totally sorry about it.
2. And then there was that thing, where Obama totally asked him about being Defense Secretary, and he was like, “Dude, I am definitely NOT qualified to be Defense Secretary.”
3. But Chuck would like everyone to know, that even if he’s confirmed, despite being the Secretary of Defense, he won’t be in a policy making position. Or any decision-making position. Even about where to get lunch after this.
Hagel: “I won’t be in in a policymaking position…” Not even defense policy, apparently. He said this to reassure Senators.
4. And then there was that thing where a dude sporting a crazy hairdo, armed with a tape from Chuck’s appearance on Al Jazeera basically wiped the floor with the nominee for pretty much no reason at all. Except that clearly, Chuck isn’t as brilliant as he was advertised to be.
5. And finally, there was that moment – that spectacular moment – when Chuck admitted that he knows next to nothing about what the Defense Department actually does, but if he’s confirmed, he double pinky-swear promises to learn.
I, for one, am extremely confident in Barack Obama’s choice to lead our armed forces. I mean, with Chuck Hagel, what could possibly go wrong?