The top five awesomest moments of the Chuck Hagel confirmation hearing.
Yesterday, while Chuck Hagel was busy denying that he totally thinks Washington is run by a cabal of Jewish millionaires intent on oppressing the Arab world, my cell phone kept reinforcing his conspiracy theories by changing “Hagel” to “Bagel.” Because even the phone knows what a joke it is to nominate someone with blatant disregard for one of our major allies to the position of Secretary of Defense.
What the cell phone, and America, apparently didn’t know was that Chuck Hagel was a complete doofus who was intellectually stymied by a man whose combover isn’t fooling anyone. Even the White House couldn’t be bothered to throw a tantrum this morning over Republican grandstanding and instead noted that they were disappointed in his performance, but believe he’ll be confirmed, even if it is only by a slim margin.
So let’s knock off the top five moments of yesterday’s Best Confirmation Hearing Ever.
1. Chuck Hagel is very sorry that he said that Israel “keeps Palestinians caged up like animals.” If that’s what he said. Because he’s not sure that he said that. But he’s totally sorry about it.
2. And then there was that thing, where Obama totally asked him about being Defense Secretary, and he was like, “Dude, I am definitely NOT qualified to be Defense Secretary.”
3. But Chuck would like everyone to know, that even if he’s confirmed, despite being the Secretary of Defense, he won’t be in a policy making position. Or any decision-making position. Even about where to get lunch after this.
Hagel: “I won’t be in in a policymaking position…” Not even defense policy, apparently. He said this to reassure Senators.
— Brit Hume (@brithume) January 31, 2013
4. And then there was that thing where a dude sporting a crazy hairdo, armed with a tape from Chuck’s appearance on Al Jazeera basically wiped the floor with the nominee for pretty much no reason at all. Except that clearly, Chuck isn’t as brilliant as he was advertised to be.
5. And finally, there was that moment – that spectacular moment – when Chuck admitted that he knows next to nothing about what the Defense Department actually does, but if he’s confirmed, he double pinky-swear promises to learn.
I, for one, am extremely confident in Barack Obama’s choice to lead our armed forces. I mean, with Chuck Hagel, what could possibly go wrong?
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Barack Obama hates Vladimir Putin, doesn’t wear ties now.
TweetEmail TweetEmailThese men are clearly having the awesomest time at the G8 summit in -
The government hacked into Sharyl Attkisson’s computer, probably.
TweetEmail TweetEmail Technically, we don’t know that. But this is Friday and unless someone
It must have required a lot of deliberation on your part to arrive at the top 5, considering there were about 45 legitimate moments from the hearing worth serious consideration for the list.
McCain staring him down, continually asking him to “answer the question” was pretty awesome, too. I only wish McCain had been so aggressive in prosecuting the campaign against Barry O in 2008.
Certainly, Chuck Hagel appears to share Barry O’s crackpot foreign policy ideas so the two of them are a match made in a 72 virgins heaven, but maybe there was a mix-up among “Chucks.”
Perhaps Obama really instructed his aides to contact either Charlie Rangel or Chuck Schumer, and offer one of them the nomination, but there was a mix-up, and they couldn’t take it back once the offer had gone public to the wrong Chuck.
Kind of like the way that Jack Palance is alleged to have accidentally (or mischievously) read “Marisa Tomei” as the Oscar-winner for best supporting actress in 1993, when one of the other nominees actually was the real winner. (Palance was allegedly quite tipsy when he was announcing the winner.)
Anyhow, we’re gonna be “Chucked” for the next four years !
Senator Ted Cruz handled this guy very well. That performace from a brand-new Senator……we need more straight-talkers like him in DC
Brand New Senator, yes. He has argued 8 cases before the United States Supreme Court. He had a running start! Makes a Texan feel Proud!