No, I wasn’t referring to the news today that Lindsay Lohan is moving back home with her mother in Long Island, as is the course of life for all alleged meth addicts in this unfriendly economy, though that is noteworthy (Lindsay, seriously. I have an extra bedroom. Come live here. We have cats and hugs). I’m talking about Lindsey Graham. Who is sort of like Lindsay Lohan, if you take away the possible drug addictions but leave all of the hair product.
1. Lindsey Graham has urged Congress to fully embrace murdering people from the air with drones lest this country fall into the incapable hands of those dastardly libertarians.
2. The Department of Homeland Security is buying 22 million rounds of ammunition. Because, homeland security. Or something.
3. Dear Christians of America, please stop getting the President up before brunch time. He is a busy man. His sleep is important, as are his early morning meetings with Cuddles, the honored ambassador of teddybearistan.
4. The Obama Administration may be ready to open bilateral negotiations with Iran over their thinly veiled nuclear weapons program threatening to turn most of France into a sea of green glass in an unfortunate accident, but Iran is not so sure.
5. Children in Australian day care centers will no longer be allowed to blow out their birthday candles. Also, possibly will have to wear suits made out of bubble wrap.
No, seriously, Lindsay. Call me. We can work something out. Except you’ll have to share the basement bathroom with the cats.