Steven Seagal is going to save you, children of America.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio watches as actor Steven Seagal addresses the media about a simulated school shooting in Fountain HillsI have pretty much seen ever Steven Seagal movie ever made. Although, to be honest, I’m not sure if I’ve just seen one movie multiple times or I have legitimately seen multiple movies once each. Because this is Steven Seagal and no matter what the production, he’s pretty much always punching someone on an iceberg.

In recent years, though, Seagal has moved from punching fake baddies in the throat to punching real ones in the throat as a deputy of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s department on a reality television show. And, despite being famous for making a bunch of movies that the NRA is probably pretty sure delivered subliminal messages about gun violence to school shooters across the decades, he’s now heading to Arizona where he will join up with another noted expert in the field of crime and punishment, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, to train a team of armed volunteers on how to take down threats to America’s children.

Seagal, a burly martial arts expert turned actor, guided 48 volunteers through various aspects of responding to a shooting, including room-to-room searches, and critiqued their work.

“I am here to try to teach the posse firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and help protect our children,” Seagal said…

Arpaio’s volunteers, some trained and qualified to carry the same guns as deputies, can intervene if there is an imminent threat to life. To add realism to the training event, guns firing non-lethal rounds that leave a color mark were used.

“It’s important to help protect our children and our schools and we need to do that with whatever means we have,” said Rick Velotta, a posse member and retired General Electric manager who attended the training.

As far as “people I’d want trained to operate a firearm in close proximity to children,” I’m not sure I’d want either an aging action hero who might have once been a really awesome fighter before he discovered Dunkin Donuts and inexplicably turned into Old Elvis, or the retired denizens of corporate middle management, but in this era of constant danger, I suppose you can’t be choosy about who joins your schoolyard vigilante posse.

I mean, they could have at least sprung for Chuck Norris.

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