Well, no, actually you’re not but whatever. You know what I mean.
1. John Kerry has made a lot of money on this ketchup thing. And all he had to do was obey Theresa Heinz.
2. People really like that clip of Marco Rubio drinking water, because obviously, being thirsty is a super horrible for your future as the leader of the free world.
3. In Massachusetts, your Kindergarteners can no longer bring those disgusting candy hearts to school (seriously, who even eats those? And do people really give them? I mean, in situations other than kidnappings?) because it is considered culturally insensitive to celebrate Valentine’s Day or something.
4. It also could be, possibly, that they are just not interested in hyping the children up on sugar before forcing them to return to their classrooms for their obligatory photo op with the President.
5. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is racist. Because, obviously.
Good times, America. Good times.