Yesterday, I attended my grandmother’s funeral, making it somewhat difficult to fulfill my duties as your fair blogger. I thought, you know, one day won’t make all that much difference. You people can totally get your news from other, less hilarious sources.
It seems that the Democrats heard I was taking a day off, though, and used the short absence to open up several new fronts on the War on Women that only Republicans are waging. It seems, ladies of America, that the country’s notable liberals would like you to understand something, and that is, you don’t need a firearm to protect yourself. After all, there are so many other ways to arm yourself against beint raped besides actually arming yourself.
First up, let’s open the floor to one of our fair representatives from California, who would like to reassure all of you women-folk that, despite what you’ve heard, you of the fairer sex aren’t trustworthy with weaponry. Instead, Joe Salazar would prefer that you take less emotionally and physically taxing anti-rape efforts, like putting a rape whistle on your keychain. Because, it’s like, totally the same thing, and this way you won’t shoot anyone in your hormone-driven fragile state.
“It’s why we have call boxes, it’s why we have safe zones, it’s why we have the whistles. Because you just don’t know who you’re gonna be shooting at,” Salazar said, according to a transcript of his remarks published by the Denver Post. “And you don’t know if you feel like you’re gonna be raped, or if you feel like someone’s been following you around or if you feel like you’re in trouble when you may actually not be, that you pop out that gun and you pop … pop a round at somebody.”
He has since apologized because, clearly, everyone misunderstood him. What he really meant was that women don’t possess the arm strength necessary to point, aim and shoot a firearm. Rape whistles are much easier on tender wrists.
And then, enter the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, who this week released a list of “rape avoidance techniques” that appear to have been compiled by their Womens Studies department in collaboration with grad students in Veterinary Science. None of the suggestions include buying, learning how to operate and carrying a loaded firearm, but they do include such sage wisdom as not dressing slutty, vomiting all over your potential attacker (because nothing is a better boner-killer than being covered in vomit, ladies!), telling your attacker that you are on your period and, presumably, ritually unclean, and throwing your shoes.
The University of Colorado at Colorado Springs is apologizing for a list of ten tips for “What To Do If You Are Attacked,” specifically in regard to a scenario where a woman could face the prospect of an imminent attempted rape. The list appeared on a web page monitored by the university’s Public Safety division. The ten tips included items such as, “Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating” and “Vomiting or urinating may also convince the attacker to leave you alone.” Other tips, however, seem to suggest submitting to the attacker. “If your life is in danger, passive resistance may be your best defense,” says one tip. “Understand that some actions on your part might lead to more harm,” says another.
You’d had better hope your rapist doesn’t have one of those scary fetishes they’re always claiming every man in the country has on local news programs during sweeps months. Then, you’ll be screwed. Literally. Unless you, you know, carry a goddam Tazer or a tiny pink 22 caliber pocket revolver. They aren’t super effective, but they’re enough to cause some damage to easy, dangling targets.
Not to be outdone by their compatriots in the private public sector, the Obama Administration also go into the act, declaring not so much a war on women as opening a front with a very specific sector.
You’re just filling in ladies. Remember that when he offers to pay for your birth control.