Morning Report: Using all your ammo

Is today only Wednesday? It feels like Friday. Or second Friday. Or fourth. GET ME OUT OF THIS WEEK.

1. Joe Biden thinks Americans should all get shotguns for self-defense. Also, when confronted with danger, you should discharge two rounds of ammunition. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, is all the ammunition in a shotgun. Which means you also have to hope your attacker can’t count.

2. This morning, Tiger Woods is gushing about how amazing Obama was at that golf game no one was allowed to cover.

3. CBS is not entirely sure this “rolling back the budget by 1% to 2007 levels” sequestration thing is as horrifically devastating as the President is making it out to be.

4. Conan O’Brien will headline the White House Correspondents Dinner, so if any of you have an extra ticket, I have a really awesome date for you. She’s really pretty and has a great personality and looks very swanky in formal wear. Also, it’s me. BECAUSE YOU MUST DO THIS. PLEASE.

5. Marco Rubio, whose career was obviously over when he took that sip of water, has formed a Victory Committee with an eye on running for President in 2016, or at least exploring the possibility of being the next token Vice Presidential candidate hogtied to an oblivious old white dude.

Wednesday people. Only three more days until I’m 31 years old. THIRTY ONE. I am now officially in a group of people the hippies can’t trust.

  1. Ray

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