Morning Report: The end of an era.

The end is near, America. Thanks to the looming series of budget cuts known as sequestration, the Federal Government is about to roll back to 2007 levels. In some places. Sort of. Depending on who you ask. Thankfully, this somewhat underwhelming effort at limiting the size of government, signed into law by the Obama Administration a few years ago in order to saddle the winner of the 2012 election with a public nightmare, is being met with calm, rational discourse.

Ha. Just kidding. The Mayan Apocalypse was nothing, America. This will bleed you dry. And then re-animate you and kill you a second time.

1. The First Lady’s “Lets Move” campaign has completely wiped out childhood obesity in America.

2. Joe Biden knows Parents Magazine, and you, sir, are no Parents Magazine.

3. The US Postal Service is looking to make up its budget shortfall by launching it’s own high-end line of clothing. Which begs the question as to when UPS will begin selling those super-sexy brown shorts.

4. Hillary Clinton will probably be elected President of the World. And there’s nothing you or Joe Biden can do to stop it.

5. The greatest threat to the world is not China. Or a nuclear Iran. Or even a rapidly increasing atmospheric temperature. It’s Congress.

Good luck, America. Apparently, you’ll need it.

  1. Earthlings on Mars

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