The White House has found suitable employment for Big Bird.

I’ll be honest. I’m not the biggest supporter of public broadcasting. I mean, it’s fine and all, but seriously. Why does Downton Abbey have to be all weirdly edited? And why do they have to wait six months for new episodes of Doctor Who? And, really, is there some sort of ancillary tariff requirement attached to anything concerning Benedict Cumberbatch? And does anyone really watch Charlie Rose because they’re interested in what he has to say and not because they want the preening self-image that accompanies the ability to say they watched someone interviewed on Charlie Rose?

All important questions when considering that my hard earned money seemingly funds it. But whatever. It’s like a tenth of one percent of the Federal budget. We could close one bathroom at the Pentagon and make up the difference. But just in case it is on the chopping block, the White House has a back up plan for the Big Bird as a spokesbird for healthy eating and moving around and whatever.

In the series’ second episode, he runs around like a lunatic getting “exercise.” Good luck, parents.

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