Sequestration will probably just end America, basically.

imagesLook. I’m the first person in line to support draconian cuts to our nation’s vital services. Highway systems? Who needs ‘em. Four year public universities? That sh*t’s cray. I’m serious. I mean, not specifically serious. But a few less Cultural Relations Studies professors wouldn’t be the end of the world.

But the Sequester has become the high school drama queen of budget cuts. Instead of working the problem out rationally, making strategic cuts to bloated, ineffective or, even better, non-existent government programs, the Sequester levies 2.3% cuts across the board to useful and non-useful programs without critical distinction, tears it’s $200 prom dress to shreds, pulls out it’s hair extensions by the roots, locks itself in the bathroom, takes six days worth of Vitamin D caplets and claims to be thiiiis close to killing itself over the toilet unless you extend it’s curfew by one hour. You want budget cuts, fine. Consider yourself to have one less budget to cut.

Republicans are responding to this in typical Republican fashion. You want to slice up the federal government and make us fly coach where we don’t get free alcohol and those fluffy fleece blankets? Fine. I hope your Medicaid patients who will determine the public relations results of this disaster starve to death in the streets. The Democrats, on the other hand, have taken to scaring the sh*t out of Americans. First, the government was going to shut down. Then, everyone’s paychecks were going to be late.

And now? The aliens are coming.

The Obama administration on Monday warned the nation to expect an increase in illegal immigration if the automatic budget cuts go into effect Friday — the latest caution from a White House determined to raise the heat on congressional Republicans…

“I don’t think we can maintain the same level of security,” Ms. Napolitano said. “If you have 5,000 fewer Border Patrol agents, you have 5,000 fewer Border Patrol agents.”

But Republicans said the White House is setting up “a false choice” between tax increases and security. They said the other alternative is to make $85 billion in spending cuts in other parts of the budget, rather than the across-the-board cuts that make up the sequester.

“You don’t like Mexicans, Republicans? We’ll here’s more Mexicans! What are you gonna do now? They’re going to take over our borders with their hearty work ethic and their tasty home-made food, and you’re gonna be screwed! Probably because we’ll recruit them to vote illegally for Democratic candidates! And while we’re not coming out and exactly saying it, we’re pretty sure they’re going to raise the dead from their graves to assist in their dramatic national takeover. That’s right, America. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this, but if you don’t stop the Sequestration, there’ll be zombies.

Napolitano even raised the Homeland Security Threat Level lest the point that we will be over-run with the residents of other countries – that her department has demurred to collect and return because someone in Arizona decided to question the Federal government’s commitment to enforcing their own laws – be missed by travelers who will now be subject to even greater scrutiny for carrying 2.5oz bottles of baby shampoo through airport screening checkpoints.

The real problem here is it’s likely no one will notice a few more illegal aliens – certainly not Janet Napolitano – unless they come pouring over the border with semi trucks that transform into giant alien robots, and even then, most Americans would probably just question the true difference between being governed by mechanical men from another planet and the current system in place and come out with a “wait and see” approach. Because – and this is key – the Obama Administration is unlikely to have found that perfect level of government where everything is absolutely essential to our ability to function as human beings. And when the Sequester passes, and the world doesn’t immediately descend into post-apocalyptic madness, it may cause the kind of existential crisis that typically drives human beings to write screenplays about people with terminal illnesses and take to wearing caftans and day drinking on their porch.

But probably with Mexicans. Because, obviously.

P.S. Apparently, in the event the Mexicans don’t cross the border in droves as warned, the Obama Administration is releasing them from several detention centers. No word yet on the zombies.

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