Morning Report: Preparations

Make them, America. Tomorrow, the SEQUESTER HAPPENS. And then the zombies come. And the rest of this country has been taking self-defense advice from Joe Biden. So we’re on our own.

1. Joe Biden has more sound self-defense advice for Americans looking to defend their homes without the use of an AR-15. Next thing you know, he’s going to be instructing you on the finer points of swinging a frying pan.

2. The Muslim Brotherhood is addressing all of Egypt’s pressing problems: how to cover the Pyramids in wax, how to stop women from being uppity and wanting to drive, and how to stop this dastardly “Harlem Shake” from corrupting their youth.

3. The President broke down yesterday and gave prominent GOP members a full seven minutes of his time.

4. Donna Brazile is shocked – shocked, I tell you – to discover that the inclusion of millions of previously-uninsured people into the insurance pool is forcing her insurance premiums to skyrocket.

5. More people are getting their news from the same place they get their cat pictures than from any other source.

The zombies, people. They’re coming.

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