Barack Obama wants to make sure Illinois votes for nothing.

I suspect he actually means that our trademark, tried-and-tested voter “assistance” machine should roar to life and lumber, in an unmarked windowless van, over to states that actually have elections today and try to do our best to “influence” their outcomes, as is our state’s specialty, because despite Barack Obama’s plea to “get out the vote” in Illinois, we actually aren’t voting today.

Hey, Illinois, President Obama wants you to get out and vote!

In an email sent on Monday afternoon and signed “Barack,” the former senator from the Land of Lincoln says: “In Illinois, people like you have some important decisions to make.”

“The polls open tomorrow morning, which means it’s time to step up, make a plan for how you’re going vote, and stick to it.

There is only one problem with this.

The next election in Illinois is the primary on March 18, 2014. That’s according to the Illinois State Board Of Elections web site.

My most important decision to make to day is what to order for lunch. Also, whether to pack a leather jacket for Rome. Because I’m awesome and leather jackets are awesome and I need to represent America. Also, possibly I need to represent Illinois, but Italy already has fully-tainted elections, so I don’t know how I could be of service, really.

But, as we say in Illinois, please vote early and often in your home state. It’s what we would do if we had something to vote for.

[via Marathon Pundit]

UPDATE: I dug around in the trash folder in my Gmail account and lo and behold, I was on the receiving end of the order. Unfortunately, I usually just delete email in the “promotions” tab so I was spared having to see this the first time.


I’m glad Barack and I are now on a first name basis, but I still can’t find the open polls. Gonna have to buy myself a ticket to New Jersey, I guess. I’m Italian. I should fit in fine.

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