The Obamacare video contest winners are in and they’re as amazing as you hoped.

Back in August, the Health and Human Services Department decided that the best way to build buzz about the Affordable Care Act among the Millennials whose supple, less-expensive-to-insure flesh was required to offset the cost of insuring their Baby Boomer parents, was to launch a YouTube video contest, where entrants could create a viral video (in one of three categories) explaining why people who frequent YouTube should sign up on the Obamacare exchange.

On Monday, they announced the winners. And they are every bit as amazing as you thought they could be. In the sense that I would really hate to see the losers. The first and Grand Prize winner, from the category of “Perform a Song,” features a young lady riffing off of Jessie J.’s hit “Price Tag,” with her own healthcare themed version titled, completely without irony (I assume, of course), “Forget About the Price Tag.”

No really. These are the lyrics.

Ain’t about the, uh, cha-ching cha-ching
Ain’t about the, yeah, bling bla-bling
Affordable Care Act — Don’t worry about the price tag.

I suspect she doesn’t pay taxes, or she might have a problem with the billion-dollar price tag on the website alone. But whatever. The winner in the “I’m Not Invincible” category didn’t even reach those heights of creativity. Charged with proving to America’s youth that they need health insurance because they are always on the verge of a catastrophic injury, our fair forty-year-old host decided to give a speech to the camera and then film himself being run over by a car on a cul-de-sac outside of his condo complex.

To be fair, if you aren’t capable of watching for cars on a cul-de-sac, you should probably get health insurance. The good kind.

The last winner, in the category of “Animation,” does have some stellar graphics that remind me of the “Its a Small World” ride at Walt Disney World, only the little puppets on the boat tour don’t YOLO. But this video does. Because, YOLO.

Seriously. White people. Stop rapping. This is sad. Really sad. Incredibly sad. It’s Courtney Stodden trying to get a reality show sad. It’s your Christmas compared to Gwyneth Paltrow‘s sad. It’s washed-up Toddlers & Tiaras contestant sad.

On the plus side, I guess we now know how long the graphics design team from the campaign lasted in the Organizing for Action era. Seems like all of them headed home to their hipster enclaves to enjoy some fair trade coffee and the fruits of private sector labor.

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